"Bushes are in disagreement with the heat" (The Fall- 'L.A.')

It is Thursday. The dawn hugs his balls. He pulls on his running clothes. He runs to Canyon Park. The internet showed him the way. There are too many roads in Los Angeles and not enough cross-walks. He shows two drivers the finger. They think it is a game.

It is Thursday. He kicks to the near the top of the hike. He passes dogs and dirt. He drops his camera. He talks to an old woman about air quality. The old woman is happy to talk to anybody. The old woman is happy to talk about anything. He fills his lungs with smog and company. He makes his descent.

It is Thursday. He watches his laundry. He dries at the lowest temperature. No body likes hot clothes. Not even the Scotch.* He talks about football with a Mexican named Hugo. Ha. Newcastle United are a comedy club. Even in Los Angeles. Even in Hollywood. Even on North Cahuenga Boulevard. They do not have enough comedy here.

It is Thursday. He stands in the venue. The Henry Fonda Theater is aptly named. The Henry Fonda Theater is dead. He pulls at guitar strings. The guitar strings hate to be pulled. They would rather sit in packets and stare at Steve Vai across a lonely desk. He understands. He pulls them anyway.

It is Thursday. He makes four guitars understand. Obedience is a virtue. Physics is and are inevitable. Biology is and were all cocks. He talks to friends about the universe. He is scared of losing time. It takes two hours. The guitars are bored. He is scared that they are bored of him.

It is Thursday. He plays a rock show. The crowd just about deserve that word. He laughs. He loves to be on stage. He takes snapshots for his dreams. He forgets the words to two songs. Nobody notices. He dances around the mistake.

It is Friday. He is looking through the door of a bowling alley. She says 'let's get a drink instead'. He is sad. He wants to bowl. He drinks a Heineken. It tastes of...

It is Friday. He walks through the motel. A police helicopter circles overheard. Two men try to come into his room. Drink makes him bold. Drink makes him oblivious. He laughs at them. He goes to sleep. He has not heard the gunshots.

• The Scottish. Yes, I know. Thankyou.*1 *1 (c) Stewart Lee.