Waking up to my customary breakfast of dry porridge oats, poached kippers, egg white and cucumber omelette and a gallon of petrol mixed with the contents of a Wetherspoons toilet bowl, I set aside my tray, pick up my handheld device and peruse the latest items on the internet. Thereon, I read that a new streaming service, Tidal, has been set up by Jay Z, with other major artists such as Madonna, Kanye West and Daft Punk among those who will be shareholders in the enterprise. The aim of the site will be to provide “higher sound quality” and be artist-controlled, making music “by the people for the people”. The service will cost $19.99 a month, as opposed to the $9.99 charged by Spotify. Alicia Keys said that "Tidal is dedicated to cultivating a sound business enterprise that promotes the health and sustainability of our art and our industry around the world.” Keys made the keynote speech at Tidal’s inauguration ceremony, attended by the likes of Nicki Minaj, Deadmaus, Rhianna, Jack White, J. Cole and Kanye West, with Calvin Harris and Chris Martin of Coldplay among those appearing via Skype. Each of them subsequently queued up to put their name to a form pledging their commitment to Tidal. Jay Z later said that he and his fellow artists were “changing the course of history.”
Christ in a f***ing cock caravan, have you ever been more embarrassed for an apparently unembarrassable, cluelessly overprivileged, over-valued, under-slapped bunch of class A f***ing c***s in all your f***ing life? They’re like aliens temporarily beamed down from the planet Twat, where their every fart is bottled and sold on as f***ing perfume! Look at the f***ers! Beyoncé! You are, literally, an arse, nothing f***ing more! Jay Z? You’ve got 99 problems but having the slightest f***ing scrap of originality or talent ain’t one! Kanye f***ing West! The f***ing Mario Balotelli of f***ing hip-hop, a f***ing liability and a half and a f***ing waste of the space he eventually walks into two hours f***ing late! Jack f***ing White! The same colour scheme as the f***ing Penguin in Batman and with precisely the same amount of countercultural f***ing scruples! Deadmaus, looking like a fugitive from a f***ing Disney parade! Take that f***ing thing off, you weapons grade f***ing twot and reveal yourself as the f***ing lucked out, nondescript f***ing sequencer operator you f***ing are! Rhianna, who clearly needed detailed directions from the f***ing wings as to how to get onto the f***ing stage! Nicki Minaj! You are, literally, a bigger arse than f***ing Beyoncé, nothing f***ing more! And f***ing Madonna, unchallenged Queen of f***ing conceit, a woman who has never knowingly blushed in her life, who grows ghastlier by the f***ing year and who apparently can’t write without putting her right leg on the f***ing table! Calvin Harris, who hasn’t let superstardom alter the fact that he’s a total f***ing fur-faced nobody! And Chris Martin, looking like he’s f***ing about to chew his hand off in tedium, the tedium of being Chris Martin, 24 hours a day, with all of those shit tunes plodding through your head like a f***ing flat footed postman trudging up and down a giant f***ing keyboard!
Look at them all lined up, just asking to be hosed down with f***ing custard! And, of course, they’re all too grand to actually open their f***ing mouths to promote an event that’s supposedly all about them connecting with people so who do they farm out the job of making the speech to? F***ing Alicia “I Thought She Was Running A F***ing Minicab Office These Days” Keys! And f*** me bandy, does she make a f***ing pig’s red rectum of the f***ing job! “Wooowww!” she bleats of her onstage companions. “Look at at how can all do this together!” Do f***ing what? You’re standing and f***ing breathing at the same time! What do you want, Emmys all round? And then, the f***ing speech. About how you can remember what shoes you were wearing when he heard a record you really liked. Jesus on a f***ing pogo-penis, I f***ing remember what shoes I was f***ing wearing when I heard your first single, you histrionic f***ing caterwauler, because I f***ing took one of them off and threw it at the f***ing TV! And so she goes on, as if they’re inaugurating the f***ing United Nations rather than finding a means of siphoning yet more money into their f***ing already obscenely overfilled f***ing pockets!
What the f*** is she babbling about? “Wooww, music, you know, it, like, connects us, truly makes us real, it’s something we experience, it brings hearts and minds together in unity as one, and… . wow, music…! We all know music, right? Well this site will contain music! Which has the power to heal, and unite and be an experience, connect and make money and empower and enlighten and heal and connect!” Sure, Alicia, and the children are the f***ing future! F***ing featherhead.
Because here’s a couple of points. You keep going on about your art. You’re not making f***ing “art”, any of you c***s! You’re glorified f***ing painters and decorators! You’re f***ing creating aural wallpaper for a global f***ing capitalist system! And actually, given some of the shit you f***ers smear on the walls of modern f***ing society, you’ve way more in common with Bobby f***ing Sands than f***ing Picasso!
Second, you’ve a downer on the f***ing industry and all of its malfunctioning evils. Well, you’re f***ing right. The record industry is malfunctioning and evil. You know why? Because it’s set up so that c***s like you c***s rise to the f***ing top! Ungrateful f***ers! Do you think you’d ever have got anywhere with your barely detectable f***ing abilities without the f***ing music industry? Do you think you’d have gotten any further than busking for coins or dancing on f***ing tables if it weren’t for the f***ing music industry? You should be down on your hands and knees to the f***ing music industry! It f***ing created you! You are its hellspawn! The only f***ing problem with the music industry is that it’s so f***ing constipated it’s not shitting long-useless f***wits you out of its arse the way it f***ing used to, so you get to infest our lives like the fossilised excrement that you are, decade f***ing in, decade f***ing out! F*** right off, you superfatted, self-serving, grandiose gaggle of mediocrity profiteers, and when you’ve f***ed off, f*** off some more, you appalling c***mongers!
