Waking up to a morning repast of devilled eggs, silk tofu, organic oatmeal, kale and a gallon of overproof rum cut with war surplus kerosene and a slice of cucumber, I set aside my tray and peruse some of the recent items in the world of show business and entertainment. My eye is first caught by one Chris Rotherham, aka Captain Flatcap, whose music is a mixture of styles such as rave and swing, for the delectation of Caucasian festival folk with dreadlocks.
F*** me sideways with a neon Jesus stick, this is an absolute f***ing index of the century’s most loathsome, vacuous, smelly, shit-gnawing f***ing Keep Calm And Be A C***-ache! It f***ing makes you want to emigrate to North Korea, doesn’t it? You’d set Alsatians on these f***ing negative-IQ twatmongers, only that’d be f***ing unreasonable – after all, the f***ing hounds might get f***ing gum disease chewing on them! If I’d have been at this stray dog’s arse of a f***ing gig, I’d have arranged that f***ing trumpet into a f***ing metal neckerchief for you, Dreadlocks boy, and as for that f***ing flute, you’d have been tootling on it with your f***ing sphincter, Flatcap! This priceless bollocks by some distance the worst thing of any kind that has ever existed in the known f***ing universe! Mixing rave and swing is like mixing f***ing botulism and goatspunk, you disgusting, piss-faced f***ing tossrake!
Spotify and dating site Tinder have plans to team up enabling you to share your favourite tracks with your crushes, in a move to "fully integrate music into the swiping experience".
The "swiping experience"? God’s man-tits, it’s stuff like this that makes you f***ing envy the deaf and envy the f***ing dead! Animals must look at stuff like this and wonder what the f*** is up with humanity! When you need them to breed, you just throw them in a f***ing pit and wait for them to f***, you don’t devise some f***ing app that f***ing determines whether they have a mutual f***ing appreciation for The Arcade Fire! "Swiping experience!" I’ll give you a f***ing swiping experience you’ll need a f***ing First Aid kit to get over, you c***s!
Kings Of Leon are back with a new album, Walls, whose highlights include the title track and the single ‘Waste A Moment’.
‘Waste A Moment’, eh? You f***ing bend over and ask for it, don’t you? Kings Of Leon are the absolute decaying, fly-attracting, stone cold death of f***ing rock, aren’t they? Take a sample of Springsteen phlegm, a bit of U2 pompous bluster, a generous helping of f***ing Coldplay’s ballsachingly bland f***ing bilge, mix it in a blender with a half gallon of f***ing dead man’s piss and you’ve got f***ing Kings Of Leon, haven’t you? Spacewasting f***ing spunkpumps!
Finally, James Corden is the star of the new Apple advert, during which he fleetingly appears in the guise of, among others, David Bowie and The Spice Girls.
It beggars belief, doesn’t it, that a f***ing sub-Gervais, nine-chinned lump of attention-seeking whaleshit like f***ing James Corden is allowed to take up so much f***ing room in our f***ing lives, like a braying, 20-stone manspreader in a crowded f***ing tube carriage! I’ve already served f***ing papers on him demanding he f***ing pay in full for the brain operation I’m going to need at a f***ing Swiss clinic to remove the f***ing memory of him appearing even for a fleeting f***ing instance got up as Ziggy f***ing Stardust! Shilling for f***ing Apple, you gaping arsehole! When you f***ing die, Corden, and I wake up every day and switch on the BBC website in f***ing hope, I trust the first thing that happens to you when you reach the afterlife is that you’re set on and chopped to pieces an army of machete wielding 12 year old Chinese slaves who topped themselves rather than spend another f***ing second in servitude making overpriced, eco-sucking trivia slabs for bulbous f***ing pricks like you to get rich f***ing promoting!
