Waking up to a breakfast of organic goat’s yoghurt, edamame beans on gluten-free toast, goji berries and a gallon of vintage reserve Hawkwind roadie’s piss diluted with petrol, I set aside my breakfast tray and turn my attention to the latest in pop music and current affairs. It seems that a growing number of pop stars, with the exception of the brains trust that is Jedward, are militating against measures to stave off the Covid-19 virus including the wearing of masks. Van Morrison, for example, has compared these coercive restraints to slavery, describing scientists as spreading “crooked facts” and calling on fellow musicians to “fight the pseudoscience”.
Jesus f***ing H-bomb dipped in a megatonne of f***ing cowshit, you’re a f***ing 75-year-old-man. How f***ing long is it since any of your f***ing family or reluctant f***ing associates sat you down, slapped you around the f***ing chops and said, “Listen. Mate. For the love of f***ing God, you are talking out of your big brass f***ing bollocks, you miserable lump of rancid f***ing sourdough!” 50 years? 60 years? Because surrounding yourself with people who just nod f***ing nervously every time you you deign to open your f***ing mouth has ossified the f***ing extinct organ that passes for your f***ing mind! Do you not f***ing think scientists have got more f***ing important things to do than devise elaborate f***ing ways of operating clapped-out f***ing Irish singer-songwriters by f***ing remote control? “Pseudoscience”! What the f*** do you know about f***ing science? When did you last even boil a f***ing kettle? As for “slavery”, everyone knows the real low in history of slavery in the United States of America is to be requested to wear masks in public, for the benefit of themselves and others and wash their hands with f**ing sanitiser! Just f*** right off back up your own rank sphincter, you catastrophically ignorant old c**\!
Noel Gallagher, songwriter and guitarist with the Beatles-inspired singing group Oasis, has also expressed his thoughts on the Coronavirus. He condemns those who wear them, such as Piers Morgan, as “cowardly germophobes” and, refusing to wear one himself, says “There’s too many fucking liberties being taken away from us now … I choose not to wear one. If I get the virus it’s on me, it’s not on anyone else … it’s a piss-take. There’s no need for it … They’re pointless.”
Yeah, well you’d know all about f***ing pointlessness, wouldn’t you, Noel, having carried on making f***ing records since f***ing 1994! “Cowardly germophobes”. What’s f***ing heroism got to f***ing do with it, you yapping streak of f***ing liquid horseshit? It’s a f***ing virus, not some geezer in a pub you’re f***ing asking outside! Not wearing a f***ing mask doesn’t make you f***ing hard, you dozy f***ing twat, it makes you f***Ing dense! And, because the inside of your head resounds constantly to the f***ing never-ending fadeout chorus of f***ing ‘Hey Jude’, you’ve clearly not taken on board the f***ing fact that the main point of wearing masks is to protect other people, not your sorry, saggy arsed f***ing self! Even your f***ing sunglasses-monkey of a kid brother has f***ing grasped that! Mind you, virus or no f***ing virus, you should be made to wear a f***ing mask in public at all times just to at least half-protect the rest of us from having to look at your smug-ugly f***ing face!
Finally, Ian Brown, former lead singer of the indie-goth group Stone Roses, has expressed his thoughts on the subject of Coronavirus, suggesting that the pandemic is merely a pretext for mass mind control, planned and carried out by Freemasons, scientists and shareholders in 5G. On his single ‘Little Seed, Big Tree’, the leading Mancunian thinker writes of a “Masonic lockdown, in your town”, and plans for a “false vaccine”, as opposed to the true one from which he would be able to distinguish it, using his powers of what he reckons, and of a plan to “chip us all, to have complete control/The land, the sky, your soul.” Fortunately, unlike the rest of us robot sheep, Brown has the mental powers to resist the attempt at mass psychosis that is the true reason for asking us to maintain social distancing and wash our hands more often.
Yeah, well, we only have to look back to the last f***ing pandemic, don’t we? When, against all medical advice, the f***ing government gave the go-ahead to a mass gathering which led to an viral outbreak of f***ing shit caucasian indie f***ing retro rock that still rages f***ing unchecked to this day. I’m talking, of course, about f***ing Spike Island in f***ing 1990! A f***ing responsible administration should never have allowed that f***ing gig to f***ing take place but here we f***ing are! There’s more brainpower in one of the f***ing toggles of your f***ing kagouls than there is in that toxified, melted f***ing mash of semolina that passes for your f***ing mind! If the f***Ing authorities actually did plan to crack down on our f***ing liberties, the first thing they’d do is slap on an order on you disallowing you from leaving the house without being attended by some sort of f***ing carer under orders to beat you over the head with a f***ing metal tray every ten minutes! There’s no f***ing conspiracy! No f***ing Grand Plan! There’s no f***ing plan at all, that’s the f***ing problem, that’s why we’re trundling collectively down the hill into the f***ing cesspit of disaster! Having addled, spoilt f***ing idiots like you bleating in our ears all the way f***ing down just makes it f***ing worse, you c***!
