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I'm No Expert...

Uncle Agony Aidan Moffat: Back To Fix Your Weeping Sores
Aidan Moffat , August 14th, 2008 14:22

Aidan Moffat returns with the second installment of his all-new sex and love advice column, I'm No Expert.

Aidan Moffat - Uncle Agony

Dear Aidan

Last weekend I met a beautiful, intelligent, interesting and funny girl who I'm really looking forward to getting to know better. But the trouble is, I'm completely obsessed with music and although she likes things in principle, she happily admits she can never remember song titles or even bands. Also, I'm at gigs most nights but she tends to stay in during the week thanks to some prohibitive working hours. Are we doomed before we start?

Keith Mandement

Keith, relax. Stop thinking about what might happen and concentrate on what is. You don’t even know her yet - why worry about whether or not you’re compatible right now? The only way to find out is to get to know her, which you’re apparently looking forward to. So chill the fuck out and take the girl on a date, then you can worry about it in a few weeks’ time. You’ll never know until you go, as someone used to say. And don’t worry about liking the same things, it’s overrated. Aye, it’s nice to share the odd interest here and there, do things together and spend time with each other, but mutual pastimes are not essential for a successful romance. You don’t have to – and no sensible human being would ever want to – spend every last fucking minute with each other. We all need personal pursuits and time alone, and I suspect that if it all works out and you end up together, in a few years’ time she’ll be only too grateful that you’re off out to a gig again so she can get some fucking peace and watch ER. And vice versa, of course. Good luck!

Dear Aidan,

recently my girlfriend and I decided to try having an open relationship. There's a good friend of ours who she's been attracted to for ages, and they started hooking up, but only when it was approved of by me and everyone knew what was going on. To be honest, I really got turned on by the thought of them fucking, and I told them that. One day I came home and found them in bed together, and was pretty pissed off. They said they were going to tell me anyway, and that as I'm a bit of a voyeur they thought I'd be into it. Am I in the wrong, and how can I trust them from now on?

James M.

I’ll be honest with you, James, I think you people are fucked in the head. I cannot comprehend why anyone could tolerate even the slightest notion of the one they love sleeping with someone else. I just don’t understand it. Threesomes are a maybe, but in my very limited experience of such things I found that jealousy was an inevitability. Add to that the fact that the guy’s a good friend and you’ve got yourself a situation that is guaranteed to stir all manner of horrible and confusing emotions. People go into things like this thinking they can handle it but have clearly underestimated the power and complexity of our over-evolved brains. As you said, the thought of it all is quite erotic, but you’ve clearly been shocked by the reality. You’ve pretty much answered yourself there, haven’t you? My only advice to you is to rethink the whole thing. And whoever that “friend” is, get rid of him – you don’t need mates that would happily shag your girlfriend, whether you’ve okayed it or not.

Dear Aidan,

My boyfriend wants us to try making some of our own porn and has written a really cheesy script where he's the plumber coming around to fix the pipes. I'm really excited about the idea of being in some dirty videos, but how do I tell him his story is gash? He's really proud of it.

Anna F.

Anna, I think the only way I can make a competent appraisal of this situation is to read said script, so please send it to me via this site. In the meantime, bite your tongue and go along with it – but insist you write the next one. Sounds fair to me. I must say that his idea doesn’t sound terribly original but you’ve got to start somewhere. And besides, once you start rutting you’ll probably forget your lines anyway.

Dear Aidan,

I was wondering if you could help me in a delicate matter of sexual etiquette. I met a girl out at the pub, and she invited me back to hers. Not much happened, we just had a drink and a chat and listened to music in her room. I went to the loo, and when I came back, she was in the bed, and asked me if I was going to get in. I was a bit pissed, and thought that it was time for a bit of wallop, so I stripped off stark naked and jumped right in. Turned out she was wearing her pyjamas (teddy bear patterns and everything) and ready for sleep, she was a bit startled and annoyed and nothing ended up happening. What would be an appropriate state of undress were this situation to arise again?


Rupert J.

Rupert, it’s really not difficult: KEEP YOUR FUCKING PANTS ON. If she wants the bobby, she’ll take them off for you.

Dear Aidan,

my man is a rugby player, really buff and macho and really dominant in bed. Obviously I love our rough and wild times, but recently I've not been able to stop imagining him getting it on with some of the other guys from his team. Should I tell him about my fantasy? I'm finding it hard to think about anything else,

Christine P.

I don’t know, Christine. Is he the kind of man who’s happy to entertain such ideas? Because there can’t be many bi-curious rugby players in the world, can there? I’m pretty certain, however, that he’ll be only too happy to consider the possibility of you with another girl, so why not mention that first then slowly and casually lead up to suggesting that you like the idea of him with other men? Take your time and if he reacts well, you can gradually build up to revealing your desire to watch him get buggered hard by the whole team in the changing rooms while you watch. Maybe the team could form a bum-chain with your boyfriend at the top while he’s fucking you? You’d be pulling a train, as it were. Just a thought.

Find the microwave strangly alluring? Wondering whether French onion is an appropriate soup for a second date? Want some tips on keeping the jiggy jigging? Send your relationship problems and sordid woes to Aidan Moffat has a new single, a joint project with Stuart Braithwaite of Mogwai, out in September. Find out more at the Aidan Moffat website

Read Aidan Moffat's first column here