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Mr Agreeable

Mr Agreeable: Auf Wiederzane Prick - A Farewell To Zane Lowe
Mr Agreeable , March 10th, 2015 12:19

When Mr Agreeable found out that Zane "Hottest Record In The World Right Now" Lowe was leaving Radio One, and had been compared to John Peel, he asked if we might sign his leaving card

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Waking up to my customary repast of pumpkin seeds, rooibos tea, tangerine segments and a gallon of overproof rum laced with petrol and a slice of lime, I turn to peruse the internet and learn that Zane Lowe has left Radio 1 for pastures fresh. He has been hailed as the “John Peel of his generation” for his fearless championing of artists like Ed Sheeran and Jay-Z, interviewing them when no one else was either willing or competent to do so. This fellow is particularly effusive.

Among various points he makes is that with Zane Lowe “it genuinely felt he liked what he was playing”, that he was in possession of “passion, excitement, encyclopaedic knowledge of music” and had “many industry and artist contacts”. He also “didn’t give a fuck what you think”. Among those who took to Twitter were Adele, who pointed out that without Lowe, she and others like her would have remained figments of our imagination (“You made so many of us real”), The National, Foo Fighters, The Killers and many of others of a similar stripe who have made the 21st century in music the 21st century in music. It seems that he will leave a Zane Lowe-shaped hole behind him, and a chair, to be filled by someone else. It felt appropriate to pay tribute to the man who was known to most simply as “Zane Lowe”.

Shitting Jesus on a f***ing chimney, how f***ing deadheaded has this f***ing c*** of a world become when an Antipodean f***ing arselicker, a f***ing glorified f***ing intern like Zane f***ing Lowe gets compared to John f***ing Peel? F*** John f***ing Peel, Lowe wasn’t fit to tie f***ing Ed “Stewpot” Stewart’s shoelaces! And given that neither was Ed Stewart, that’s f***ing saying something! With his c***like beard and an expression so f***ing blank it’s begging to have the word “ANUS” scrawled on it in black felt tip, he embodies everything that’s staid, safe, slow, tenth-hand, tenth-rate, tedious as tapwater, overripe, overrated, overproduced, underwritten, corporate cocksucking, nondescript, punkless, hopeless, witless, retrotarded, guitarbound, ruthlessly unambitious, arsegrindingly ordinary, dickfondlingly incurious, O2, miserably unctuous, yawningly complacent, piggy-eyed, cockfaced, anus-brained and f***ing c***mungous about f***ing rock and pop this dismal f***ing decade!

I mean, take this bunch of vapid f***ing twatlords, who it seems Lowe put his full f***ing deadweight behind in order to pull them out of the baboon’s rectum of deserved f***ing obscurity! Pretty Vicious they’re f***ing called! £500k advance these Greggs-faced f***ing doozewads have got - they’re here to “save guitar music”, it seems.

Save f***ing guitar music? From what? From rediscovering a spark or scintilla of the originality that made it f***ing exciting in the first place before it was f***ing reduced to a giant, grey bowl of f***ing Gallagher perma-porridge? See, here’s the f***ing thing. John Peel would play f***ing anything. You put it in his hand, he’d f***ing play it, because that’s the sort of bleeding heart f***ing idiot he was. If it had been three blokes from Dumbarton making armpit fart noises into a cassette recorder and sniggering, calling it Three Blokes From Dumbarton Making Armpit Fart Noises Into A Cassette Recorder And Sniggering and sending it to Peel, Peel would have f***ing played it, then invited them down for a f***ing session! He even played The f***ing Fall, for f***’s sake! Lowe’s a starf***er, Peel was a pity f***er! But not even Peel would have f***ing played Pretty Vicious! He’d have let his heart bleed to f***ing death before he played this sadsack of sorryshite! But f***ing Lowe would, who gets filled with “passion and excitement” by this bunch of f***ing cement mixers like the clueless, cultureless c*** he is!

Then there’s his legendary f***ing interviews!

There he is, with Chris Martin in the studio in the seat right opposite him, like a sniper in World War 1 with Lance Corporal Hitler in his cross-hairs the other side of f***ing no man’s land. But does he do the f***ing decent thing? Does he wrestle him to the ground and strangle the c*** with his bare hands? No he doesn’t! He asks him “What’s the best bits of advice you’ve been given - let’s blow this open - by anybody?” It’s the “let’s blow this open” that makes him a c*** and three quarters, by the f***ing way, like he’s putting a ton of Semtex under the interview format rather than blowing smoke up Martin’s arse. That, and his f***ing horrible little rising intonations and those f***ing thick-rimmed specs to make him feel like he’s f***ing Robin Day or something rather than a twattock with his head so far stuck up the oblivious f***ing realms of showbiz’s arse he wrote a letter a year ago to the late Jimmy Savile asking him to fix it for him to meet f***ing Chris Martin!

And here he is with f***ing Jay-Z, sitting nodding like the obliging little yes-man to the stars he f***ing is as the f***er drones on about f***ing accountancy! Seriously, you money-obsessed twat, you should be rapping about how the f***ing LAPD can go f*** themselves with a chair leg, not poring over f***ing balance sheets! What the f***?

So there he is, folks, Zane f***ing Lowe, friend to the overprivileged and undertalented, handmaiden to the barely describable mediocrities all of whom share a passion and sincerity in their desire to become extremely rich while making as little creative effort as f***ing possible or advisable - friend to f***ing Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran, Frank Turner and every other f***er whose fat face is currently blotting out the f***ing sun! Zane Lowe, the radical voice of his f***ing generation, as hailed by a f***ing generation who wouldn’t know “radical” if it shat in their f***ing mouths from close f***ing range! Thank f*** you’re going, Zane - to the town of OFF, Population You, Welcomes Careful F***ers!

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Bibble
Mar 10, 2015 12:54pm

Sometimes don't like Mr Agreeable but this is spot on - Haha!

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Sciflyer
Mar 10, 2015 1:18pm

Another virtually unreadable piece from Mr. Agreeable; what a treat!

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Mar 10, 2015 1:23pm

Gosh Mr Agreeable, don't ever accidentally listen to Steve Wright on Radio 2, I think that might push you over the edge.! :-)

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Death flaps
Mar 10, 2015 1:37pm

I've f**king missed you, you terrible c**t.

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Mar 10, 2015 1:37pm

My greatest regret in life apart from all the others is that, although I had read that this idiot took criticism deeply to heart, I failed to give him the Mr Agreeable-style bollocking he so richly deserved when I found myself sharing a lift with him and his family one Saturday in John Lewis's. My wife kicked me so hard just as I was about to point out Mr Loŵe's inadequacies, she nearly broke her foot. But the chance has now gone. Damn.

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Paul Yates
Mar 10, 2015 1:46pm

Amen.

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caonai
Mar 10, 2015 2:29pm

Some might not like the medium, but the message is spot on. Like there will never be a 'new Beethoven' or a 'new Beatles' there will never be a new 'John Peel'. It only invites derision to make such claims. Not sure what Mr. Lowe has about this, if he's got any self-awareness he should shut the comparisons down pronto, publicly.

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Daveid P
Mar 10, 2015 3:13pm

Thing is there is an actual point to this, for once you got a deserving target but its just lost within some really un funny ancient six form stabs at comedy that wasn't ever funny, not back in the melody maker days and certainly not here now. Would of been so much more effective if some one who could write did an intelligent piece on Zane Lowe and the awful power of radio one..

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Mark Grout
Mar 10, 2015 4:57pm

In reply to Daveid P:

So, farewell Alex Zane, you got confused with Zane Lowe, or was it Nick Lowe? Oh hang on.. Right:

His boundless enthusiasm for whatever was in front of him made him perfect for those bands who would pass by, that would spark brightly against pieces of coal, hoping to make a difference. Truly, we have lost that moth that would flutter against the lightbulb. But now that lightbulb is out, and the day has dawned, and he has flown out of the window towards, um, Apple.

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dirigible
Mar 10, 2015 5:05pm

I laughed at the title then didn't have time to feel ashamed of myself as I continued while reading the article.

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David Shit
Mar 10, 2015 5:32pm

As someone who finds swearing totally unacceptable I felt obliged to read every word of this awful piece and then announce my sense of offence.

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Jeremy Simms
Mar 10, 2015 6:07pm

What a hateful arsehole of a piece this is. You'd be better leaving Lowe's country of birth out of your rant, as with "Antipodean arselicker" you sound not only jealous, bitter, and rude, but xenophobic and stuck in the 19th century to boot.

Is this about your career stagnating while Lowe's moves up a notch?

I'm not even a fan of Zane Lowe, so don't bother retorting that I'm a rabid fan, or whatever. Just calling you out on your unfunny, lazily written, opinionated bullshit.

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Michael Stead
Mar 10, 2015 7:06pm

Don't listen to the wireless so unsure of this bloke's work, but if he's Australian I'd imagine he's a cunt - most of them are. M

PS. Ed Sheeran's a cunt too.

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Benno
Mar 10, 2015 9:28pm

In reply to Jeremy Simms:

... yeah, I mean who wants to read, like, opinions in an opinion piece. Not me. Especially not in an article located in a section called "Opinion". Personally, I would prefer all opinion pieces on this website to be cut and pasted from the press release.

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Robert Exley
Mar 10, 2015 10:07pm

.....so I take it you don't like him then?

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Millstream Pigworker
Mar 10, 2015 11:10pm

It's funny because it's true.

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Mar 10, 2015 11:54pm

As satisfying as picking the crap out of your nose after ten hours in a stuffy office. Yes.

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Yeah but no
Mar 11, 2015 5:10am

There's a more deserving piece to be written on the same subject, the zanelowe-ization of alt/indie/whatever-we-call-it-now-it's-the-same-ol'-turgid-shite music is a terrible state of affairs but I'd rather have The Quietus do a 'Black Sky Thinking' take on it than an unreadable Mr Agreeable rant. Also will the British ever get over the Antipodean-shaped chip on their collective shoulders?

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Nigel
Mar 11, 2015 9:06am

It's the fault of some deluded, out of touch R1 'exec' for elevating him to a position of power when he should be playing rhythm guitar in a tenth rate Foo a Fighters covers band. Fuck off you bell in every tooth, pretentious 'down with the kids' BERK. BERK, yeah, you heard right...BERK.

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Mar 11, 2015 9:21am

In reply to Jeremy Simms:

Another thin skinned Australian that probably spends far too much time referring to their country as "God's own land" (sans irony). Lowe has sucked the corporate cock for years and now he's taking on the mammoth organ that is Apple. Good riddance Mr Mediocrity.

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Nick
Mar 11, 2015 12:10pm

In reply to Jeremy Simms:

Hey Jeremy, I think you're a bit too po-faced for this thread and rather missing the point. Mr Agreeable's raison d'tre is to be cruel and unfair. Typically to the pompous and self-serving and most especially if they are held in high esteem by others. Providing more often than not, a healthy counter-balance to sycophancy. Needless to say, I'm sure Mr Lowe and his Apple mega-salary can handle it.

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teddy dogs
Mar 11, 2015 12:16pm

Would love to have heard the bollocking the also-ran in the lift was going to give Zane Lowe and his family. Bet it would have been really something...

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Fred
Mar 11, 2015 6:34pm

Zane Lowe sucks for sure. He somehow manages to be constantly excitable whilst at the same time expressing no opinions of his own on anything. He's like a puppy dog Patrick Batemen with a stupid accent.

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Muthas
Mar 11, 2015 10:51pm

I always thought there was something wrong with me for hating this pillock. I see now I was not alone and perhaps it was Zane and his idiot followers who need readjusting.

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VIVA HATE
Mar 12, 2015 9:25pm

THANK YOU, Mr A. 'Zane Lowe', eh? Even his name sounds like that of some lowlife in a mid-period Martin Amis. At least he's served one purpose: his name will serve as an eternal signifier of all that is vile, so that if a new acquaintance says, 'Oh, I used to love the Zane Lowe show,' you will know AT ONCE that they are a cunt of the first order and back away slowly.

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VIVA HATE
Mar 12, 2015 9:28pm

THANK YOU, Mr A. 'Zane Lowe', eh? Even his name sounds like that of some lowlife in a mid-period Martin Amis. At least he's served one purpose: his name will serve as an eternal signifier of all that is vile, so that if a new acquaintance says, 'Oh, I used to love the Zane Lowe show,' you will know AT ONCE that they are a c**t of the first order and back away, slowly.

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jo mcdee
Mar 13, 2015 12:22pm

Mr Agreeable virgin. ..will definitely be back for more..ha!

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dominic greyer
Mar 13, 2015 2:12pm

Spot one. I've missed you Mr Agreeable.

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Bramich
Mar 13, 2015 9:09pm

High entertainment but who's Zane Lowe?

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Anon
Mar 15, 2015 9:59am

In reply to :

He's a kiwi actually, but don't let facts get in the way of a good stereotype.

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Dire Gnosis
Mar 15, 2015 12:32pm

In reply to :

My fellow Australians can be embarrassing tossers at times but in my near-six decades on earth I've never once heard one refer to the place as "God's own land".

Perhaps you have us confused with Americans? Easy to do, they both start and end with "A".

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thankfuck
Aug 11, 2015 11:28pm

PRAISE THE LORD! I fucking hate this horrible, horrible shit droolin fucking nonce, finally someone has the sense to write exactly what I've thought about this horrible cunt for all the years and he's just getting worse and worse as time goes on. THANK YOU MR AGREEABLE

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