The Quietus - A new rock music and pop culture website

Reviews

Coldplay
Ghost Stories Mr Agreeable , May 16th, 2014 06:23

Add your comment »

Two years in the making, alternative rock band Coldplay’s new album, essentially a concept piece about Chris Martin’s break-up with Gwyneth Paltrow, has certainly garnered a number of extremely favourable reviews. In today’s harsh critical climate when major groups can expect to be torn to pieces by a fearless music press regardless of the consequences, that’s remarkable indeed. It’s all the more remarkable given that all things considered, Ghost Stories is from its arse to its f***ing elbow, one, long stagnant f***ing pool of premium grade f***ing cockwash! I would rather chew off my f***ing scrotum than ever listen again to this boneless f***ing melange of morose f***ing piss-shit! I would rather eat an entire f***ing yurt, washed down with f***ing beige paint recently shat out of an incontinent yak’s anus! Put it this way; so remorselessly insubstantial is this album that if it were submitted to the f***ing British Homeopathic Association as a f***ing potential remedy, they’d f***ing knock it back, saying: “No good, mate. You’ve over-diluted it, you silly twat!”

Never in human f***ing history, since fish first slithered onto the f***ing land and sprouted limbs has there been a more nondescript f***ing decade than the f***ing Noughties and never has there been a more nondescript f***ing group than those gelatinous c***lords Coldplay! They made Dido sound like Bessie f***ing Smith! They filled the giant f***ing void in pop culture in the early 21st century because they are a giant f***ing void! Somehow, Martin’s knack for trudging up and down a keyboard like a middle aged man in f***ing chinos strolling to the f***ing corner shop to buy the f***ing Daily Express while singing like he’d just been kneed in the f***ing bollocks caught the zeitgeist of the dullest, do-nothing, think-wishfully generation of all f***ing time! In the rock & roll hall of fame they sit near the f***ing exit like a f***ing birch veneer occasional f***ing table! Getting excited about f***ing Coldplay is like getting excited about the f***ing Liberal Democrat Spring conference!

Anyway, Martin got married to f***ing Gwyneth Paltrow, that ghastly, gulping, giraffe-necked, sick-making long drink of carb-averse goop, they created their own f***ing hole in the f***ing ozone layer flying around the world with Martin warbling about how concerned they were about the f***ing environment, spawned a couple of sprogs and saddled them with life-ruining names, promoted every f***ing vapid strain of spiritual, anti-materialist New Age nonsense while raking in the f***ing ackers like whorehounds and then finally “consciously uncoupled”, though it’s a f***ing wonder either of them could stay f***ing conscious in each other’s company at all, given that they’re the two most testicle-achingly f***ing tedious people on earth! And now Chris is sad. He feels like shit. And he’s perfectly conveyed that unremittingly f***ing excremental condition on f***ing Ghost Stories!

So, track one 'Always In My Head' sets the f***ing dolorous tone. “I think of you/I haven’t slept.”, whines Martin, while f***ing George, Ringo and Ringo or whoever the f*** the other three are try not to fall asleep at their f***ing instruments. Next up, 'Magic'. No, sorry, it’s not about actual magic. Tommy f***ing Cooper retrieving the f***ing ace of spades from a pack using a f***ing blindfolded wooden duck, not that. Nothing remotely entertaining. No, as f***ing ever, Chris Martin’s here to suck all the f***ing joy out of the room like a giant f***ing Happiness Hoover! A wan swirl of keyboards, like that pink water you get at the f***ing dentist’s swilling down a f***ing metal hole, and Chris is all about how he f***ing “can’t get over” you know who.

At which point you have to say: For f***’s sake, why, man? Gwyneth Paltrow no longer being in your life is like having a 14 inch long celery stick that’s been stuck up your arse for years surgically removed! You should be f***ing delirious! This album should be a series of f***ing honky-tonk piano-driven upbeat bangers with titles like 'Wahoo!' and 'Thank F*** Almighty, Free At Last!' and 'I Don’t Have To Knit My Breakfast No More!', all accompanied to the sound of six-shooters fired into the f***ing ceiling with both hands! All your f***ing friends hated her, were you not aware of that? But no, Chris is sad, so on we f***ing crawl through the cesspools of f***ing self-pity. “All I know is I love you/so much it hurts.” (yep, that stench coming from Stratford-Upon-Avon isn’t the drains, it’s f***ing Shakespeare shitting himself in his grave). I’d suggest you drown your f***ing sorrows, Chris, but it’d probably be best all round if you f***ing drowned yourself!

Next up; 'True Love', to a tune akin to watered down elephant smegma slowly dripping into a f***ing plastic bucket. “I wish you could have let me know/What’s really going on below.” No, kids, he doesn’t mean genitalia. Martin and Paltrow are like 1930s Disney nymphs, they don’t f***ing have genitalia. He means f***ing feelings, the c***. Cue also the worst, truncated f***ing guitar solo in f***ing history - like a dying kitten mewing for help, then remembering that this is a world with f***ing Coldplay in it and deciding not to f***ing bother. Now “Midnight” - and guess what? Chris is alone, alone. I’m not f***ing surprised. Any evening out with him’s gonna be a f***ing brief one, with mates making their excuses and back home in time for f***ing Channel 4 News!

'Another’s Arms' begins with an androgynous, anaemic yelp that is quite possibly the whitest moment in all of popular f***ing culture. Shirley f***ing Temple serenading the f***ing Ku Klux Klan with 'White Christmas' during a f***ing snowstorm could scarcely be any f***ing whiter. Next 'Oceans'. Seriously, just f*** off, you insufferable f***ing streak of twatrot! 'A Sky Full Of Stars' breaks into a disco house groove but it’s funkless like a f***ing HSBC staff party - “wave your arms in the air, finish your f***ing mineral water and be back at your desks at 7.15 sharp tomorrow morning!” And so the album wends on - imagine Christ, instead of having to carry the f***ing cross to f***ing Calvary having to carry a giant, ten foot long flaccid penis instead - that’s how listening to this f***ing album feels by this stage!

Finally, the f***ing title track itself. Chris wonders if he himself is “just a ghost”. Tell you what, Martin, you woeful f***ing waste of a snail’s time, here’s one way of f***ing finding out - why not run into that f***ing brick wall head first? Twenty times, just to be f***ing sure?

There was another track but the f***ing CD physically f***ing evaporated before I could play it. Coldplay? C***grey, more like! There’s only one f***ing substance on this earth more colourless and full of f***ing nothing than Ghost Stories and that’s f***ing Gwyneth Paltrow’s urine!

Jonathon Vessel
May 16, 2014 11:17am

Apparently this is a must listen.

Reply to this Admin

J Hollis
May 16, 2014 11:21am

I should have donned an adult nappy before reading this as I am now sitting in a puddle of my own piss from laughing so hard... This needed to be said..

Reply to this Admin


May 16, 2014 11:52am

What a stupid *fucking* review. I'm not a huge Coldplay fan in general, but was curious to see what TQ would have to say about the new album. The *fucking* shtick was funny for a paragraph or so, but the rest of the "review" was unreadable. Here's an abridged version for those who would like to spare themselves a headache trying to get through Mr. Agreeable's "writing":

Fuck-fuckity-fuck-fuck, ass, cock, cunt, twaddle, bollocks, shite. Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow, fuck-ass, piss-twat, Ghost Stories is not a good album.

Reply to this Admin

Martin Mackie
May 16, 2014 11:55am

I'm no Coldplay fan but this is like shooting fish in a barrel. And it's not even that witty, despite the enormous effort. Ok we all know that Chris and Gwyn are dicks but why bother? I'm sure you'll spend the rest of the day being congratulated by your cronies and the Quietus cats chorus while jerking off to some Pitchfork fuckwit band. Are you almost out of Charlie now?

Reply to this Admin

A Birch Veneer Occasional Table
May 16, 2014 12:02pm

Fuck off comparing me with that shit, you cheeky bastards.

Reply to this Admin

Braidy Wood
May 16, 2014 12:26pm

you sir, deserve a medal for the most accurate description of an albukm in the history of rock n roll, im confused about one thing though...

... is this a review of the album? or their entire fucking career?

Reply to this Admin


May 16, 2014 12:39pm

This is basically that Mr. PissedOff column you used to do, but hidden in a review. That wasn't funny. This isn't funny. I like to claim I'm a Coldplay fan and I'm apoplectic with rage over this misrepresentation, but I'm not fan and I'm sure it is rubbish. However this review is student yuks smeared in dogshit.

Reply to this Admin


May 16, 2014 12:40pm

Oh, it actually was the Mr. Agreeable guy! Still shit.

Reply to this Admin


May 16, 2014 12:42pm

...and I meant to write 'I'd like to claim I'm a Coldplay fan'....not 'I like to claim I'm a Coldplay fan'. Oh foof.

Reply to this Admin

mm
May 16, 2014 12:46pm

Coldplay still crap then, Mr. Agreeable as unfunny as last century.

Reply to this Admin

morriseyisheaven
May 16, 2014 12:58pm

whoever wrote this piece of crap should be shot dead for sheer stupidity. this guy pretends to be a writer, when in fact, he clearly isnt. this guy should just stick to sweeping the streets.

Reply to this Admin

A. Stick o Celery
May 16, 2014 1:09pm

I agree with the comment from A.Birch Veneer Occasional Table below

Reply to this Admin

David Quinn
May 16, 2014 1:09pm

Hit the hail on the head with the review, Honest and straight forward. Just one guam don't ever bring someones children or family status in to it, Its not the kids fault its their parents, Otherwise i look forward to the next review

Reply to this Admin

coeurnoir
May 16, 2014 2:29pm

what the fuck is up with the censorship? it makes the article unreadable.

Reply to this Admin

Ben
May 16, 2014 2:50pm

Not funny, but true.

Reply to this Admin

Johnny Crash
May 16, 2014 3:24pm

Too many ***********.

Just type the fucking words. THANKS.

Reply to this Admin

Ian
May 16, 2014 3:33pm

Why are all the swear-words blanked out ?
I only came to read it because of the swear-words .
It's fucking shit

Reply to this Admin


May 16, 2014 4:23pm

In reply to coeurnoir:

Please see the abridged version above.

Reply to this Admin


May 16, 2014 6:04pm

haha this was great... made my day. Thanks to Gutfeld for getting me here. I actually like Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends, minus the song Viva La Vida. That album is a little trippy and interesting (42, Violet Hill, Cemeteries of London). But other than that album, this review sums up pretty much everything about Coldplay and Hollywood in general

Reply to this Admin

Robert
May 16, 2014 6:04pm

Thank you for a thoroughly gorgeous review. It's a joy when someone speaks honestly and doesn't pussyfoot around because they are sycophants. Coldplay or as I like to call them Gwyneth's ex and those three other guys really know how to make crappy music..

Reply to this Admin

Ian Pople
May 16, 2014 6:35pm

I'm hoping there will be a bonus disc of extra material along soon so you can review that as well.

Reply to this Admin

james latham
May 16, 2014 8:48pm

Mr Agreeable, only a cunt sensors swearwords you fucking lightweight

Reply to this Admin

Yawn
May 16, 2014 10:59pm

this is to humour what coldplay are to music

Reply to this Admin

tRees
May 16, 2014 11:06pm

This f***ing review is f***ing the f***ing best f***ing review f***ing ever. I f***ing pissed my f***ing pants f***ing just f***ing reading this f***ing epic f***ing pice of f***ing writing.
Did you f***ing ever f***ing study the f***ing english f***ing language ?

Reply to this Admin

sReet
May 16, 2014 11:11pm

f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
good
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
review
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
f***ing
yessssssss!

Reply to this Admin

Carl
May 16, 2014 11:49pm

Coldplay rocks the nursing home.

Reply to this Admin

Late
May 16, 2014 11:59pm

Congratulations on producing a shit, unfunny, diluted version of something someone else did much better, ages ago.

Histrionic denunciation of the latest Coldplay album is the writers equivalent of raping a baby. Nice one Watkins.

Reply to this Admin

Steph
May 17, 2014 12:27am

Fish in a barrel. Coldplay aren't nearly as bad as everyone says they are, main guy has a good ear for melody and they usually have a couple of decent songs on each album, they're nowhere near as bad as Foo Fighters or Scouting for Girls or Vampire Weekend or whoever.

Reply to this Admin

concerned mathematician
May 17, 2014 6:51am

So this got 288 stars? I'd say that's too much.

Reply to this Admin

Wellwellwellington
May 17, 2014 8:52am

If you leave out all the fucking, and get rid of the exclamation points and *s it reads quite a bit better:

Two years in the making, alternative rock band Coldplay’s new album, essentially a concept piece about Chris Martin’s break-up with Gwyneth Paltrow, has certainly garnered a number of extremely favourable reviews. In today’s harsh critical climate when major groups can expect to be torn to pieces by a fearless music press regardless of the consequences, that’s remarkable indeed. It’s all the more remarkable given that all things considered, Ghost Stories is from its arse to its elbow, one, long stagnant pool of premium grade cockwash. I would rather chew off my scrotum than ever listen again to this boneless melange of morose piss-shit. I would rather eat an entire yurt, washed down with beige paint recently shat out of an incontinent yak’s anus. Put it this way; so remorselessly insubstantial is this album that if it were submitted to the British Homeopathic Association as a potential remedy, they’d knock it back, saying: “No good, mate. You’ve over-diluted it, you silly twat.”
Never in human history, since fish first slithered onto the land and sprouted limbs has there been a more nondescript decade than the Noughties and never has there been a more nondescript group than those gelatinous cuntords Coldplay. They made Dido sound like Bessie Smith. They filled the giant void in pop culture in the early 21st century because they are a giant void. Somehow, Martin’s knack for trudging up and down a keyboard like a middle aged man in chinos strolling to the corner shop to buy the Daily Express while singing like he’d just been kneed in the bollocks caught the zeitgeist of the dullest, do-nothing, think-wishfully generation of all time. In the rock & roll hall of fame they sit near the exit like a birch veneer occasional table. Getting excited about Coldplay is like getting excited about the Liberal Democrat Spring conference.
Anyway, Martin got married to Gwyneth Paltrow, that ghastly, gulping, giraffe-necked, sick-making long drink of carb-averse goop, they created their own hole in the ozone layer flying around the world with Martin warbling about how concerned they were about the environment, spawned a couple of sprogs and saddled them with life-ruining names, promoted every vapid strain of spiritual, anti-materialist New Age nonsense while raking in the ackers like whorehounds and then finally “consciously uncoupled”, though it’s a wonder either of them could stay conscious in each other’s company at all, given that they’re the two most testicle-achingly tedious people on earth. And now Chris is sad. He feels like shit. And he’s perfectly conveyed that unremittingly excremental condition on Ghost Stories.
So, track one 'Always In My Head' sets the dolorous tone. “I think of you/I haven’t slept.”, whines Martin, while George, Ringo and Ringo or whoever the fuck the other three are try not to fall asleep at their instruments. Next up, 'Magic'. No, sorry, it’s not about actual magic. Tommy Cooper retrieving the ace of spades from a pack using a blindfolded wooden duck, not that. Nothing remotely entertaining. No, as ever, Chris Martin’s here to suck all the joy out of the room like a giant Happiness Hoover. A wan swirl of keyboards, like that pink water you get at the dentist’s swilling down a metal hole, and Chris is all about how he “can’t get over” you know who.

At which point you have to say: For fuck’s sake, why, man? Gwyneth Paltrow no longer being in your life is like having a 14 inch long celery stick that’s been stuck up your arse for years surgically removed. You should be delirious. This album should be a series of honky-tonk piano-driven upbeat bangers with titles like 'Wahoo.' and 'Thank fuck Almighty, Free At Last.' and 'I Don’t Have To Knit My Breakfast No More.', all accompanied to the sound of six-shooters fired into the ceiling with both hands. All your friends hated her, were you not aware of that? But no, Chris is sad, so on we crawl through the cesspools of self-pity. “All I know is I love you/so much it hurts.” (yep, that stench coming from Stratford-Upon-Avon isn’t the drains, it’s Shakespeare shitting himself in his grave). I’d suggest you drown your sorrows, Chris, but it’d probably be best all round if you drowned yourself.
Next up; 'True Love', to a tune akin to watered down elephant smegma slowly dripping into a plastic bucket. “I wish you could have let me know/What’s really going on below.” No, kids, he doesn’t mean genitalia. Martin and Paltrow are like 1930s Disney nymphs, they don’t have genitalia. He means feelings, the cunt. Cue also the worst, truncated guitar solo in history - like a dying kitten mewing for help, then remembering that this is a world with Coldplay in it and deciding not to bother. Now “Midnight” - and guess what? Chris is alone, alone. I’m not surprised. Any evening out with him’s gonna be a brief one, with mates making their excuses and back home in time for Channel 4 News.
'Another’s Arms' begins with an androgynous, anaemic yelp that is quite possibly the whitest moment in all of popular culture. Shirley Temple serenading the Ku Klux Klan with 'White Christmas' during a snowstorm could scarcely be any whiter. Next 'Oceans'. Seriously, just fuck off, you insufferable streak of twatrot. 'A Sky Full Of Stars' breaks into a disco house groove but it’s funkless like a HSBC staff party - “wave your arms in the air, finish your mineral water and be back at your desks at 7.15 sharp tomorrow morning.” And so the album wends on - imagine Christ, instead of having to carry the cross to Calvary having to carry a giant, ten foot long flaccid penis instead - that’s how listening to this album feels by this stage.
Finally, the title track itself. Chris wonders if he himself is “just a ghost”. Tell you what, Martin, you woeful waste of a snail’s time, here’s one way of finding out - why not run into that brick wall head first? Twenty times, just to be sure?
There was another track but the CD physically evaporated before I could play it. Coldplay? Cuntgrey, more like. There’s only one substance on this earth more colourless and full of nothing than Ghost Stories and that’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s urine.

Reply to this Admin

Michael E.
May 17, 2014 8:56am

I liked Brian Eno's production of Viva La Vida, there were some really good songs. In the same way, I liked U2's Achtung Baby (minus this terrible Horses song). Apart from that I can't stand Bono or any other U2 record (apart from two, three songs). I can't stand Coldplay's overpowering kitsch . Yesterday I listened to this record, and I was bored to death. It was awful, hollow, cheap, and I immediatlely threw it in the garbage can. It's not so very cool, Mr. Agreeable, to get fucking furious about a band in The Quietus: here you get, of course, a lot of positive feedback. It would be more courageous Mojo Magazine would have dared to publish it. Then this review that is fucking great (in its essence) would've produced a shitstorm. But preaching to the converted is an easy game.

Reply to this Admin

Dan B
May 17, 2014 9:00am

I'm a huge Coldplay but that was fucking hilarious!

Reply to this Admin

Conal Dodds
May 17, 2014 9:01am

This is the most pointless review ever, inked from the mind of a man whose brain obviously failed to develop post the age of thirteen. Why did The Quietus leader ( there must be one I assume) think that this was a worthwhile use of your online space? Completely unfunny, a sign of why modern media is on a downward spiral where the likes of Facebook, Twitter etc are able to give a temporary platform to the hate filled views of vacuous individuals who think they know everything there is about modern celebrities lives because they live their own lives obsessed by other people's. Try living your own life Mr Agreeable, if you can manage to drag yourself away from your obvious inspiration of The Mail online and your battered copy of "How To Be a Smartarse Journalist in the 1980's ".

Reply to this Admin

Graham Crabb
May 17, 2014 10:31am

Where can we get it?

Reply to this Admin

Mr Angry
May 17, 2014 10:31am

What did you score it out of ten though? That would be the clincher for me as to whether I buy* it or not.

*download from some torrent site.

Reply to this Admin

Steetsweeper
May 17, 2014 11:23am

In reply to morriseyisheaven:

Hey what the fuck's wrong with sweeping the streets? I love my job and I also write reviews for the Quietus, which I don't normally admit to. Fascist.

Reply to this Admin

Adam Fucking Beard
May 17, 2014 12:31pm

How good it feels to have Mr Agreeable back after, what, fifteen years or so?

Well f***ing done.

Reply to this Admin

JF
May 17, 2014 1:07pm

Cf 'Shark Sandwich' Shit sandwich. AND/OR CSM, early 70's: "'Poet, Fool or Bum'. - Bum." CSM had no clue.

Reply to this Admin

S Lesley
May 17, 2014 1:16pm

I think they were cool when they made Yellow. Then after Chris married that Hollywood actress, he seemed to turn into a bit of a knob.

Reply to this Admin

C**ty mcC**t
May 17, 2014 7:30pm

Genius review f**k c**t f**kin' play and f**k any one who says different.

Reply to this Admin

Alain
May 17, 2014 10:00pm

Looks like alot of sheep here floating amongst these boards.

Reply to this Admin

Nick Langley
May 17, 2014 11:03pm

Wowsers! Praise indeed. First thing in the morning I shall be buying a copy of this.

Reply to this Admin

Proactive Bystander
May 17, 2014 11:04pm

Hopefully AT&T will be billing you for wear and tear on their fibre-optics, wasting precious electrons posting that obnoxious ego massage of a 'review'. Although style points have to be grudgingly awarded for the use of c***lord.

Reply to this Admin

suzanne
May 18, 2014 12:50am

Did you used to write for the Melody Maker in the 90's?

Reply to this Admin

suzanne
May 18, 2014 12:51am

Did you used to write for the Melody Maker in the 90's?

Reply to this Admin

suzanne
May 18, 2014 12:51am

Did you used to write for the Melody Maker in the 90's?

Reply to this Admin

Pat Loughlin
May 18, 2014 2:55am

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.
Come now don't be coy. You claim to be so vehemently opposed to all Mr Martin produces and yet you still managed to listen to his latest studio effort all the way through and then instead of simply dismissing it out of hand as more unremarkable pop-lite commercial dross, you devote considerable time spewing your petty opinions on said artist and album, disguised very weakly as a potty-mouthed, pretentious, unfunny music critic rant, onto the Internet for all the world to see. An obvious case of denial. A bit like those red-neck jocks that make 'homo' jokes then get drunk at on the end of year trip and make a pass at their teammates because 'they're just a little lonely right now and no one need ever know...'
Really guy, it's okay to like Coldplay. You don't have to hide in the Chris Martin closet all your life. Liberate yourself. Come join us in the wonderful sunshine of falsetto, synth-drenched, M.O.R pop utopia. Then you can finally admit that you also find yourself humming Miley tunes in the shower. And that's okay too. We all do. Sometimes when it comes to pop music, 'No, God, please, noooo!' actually means 'Yes.'

Reply to this Admin

Luke Osbourne
May 18, 2014 4:32am

What a useless review. Boring & attempts at humour failed miserably.

Try again.

Reply to this Admin

liam
May 18, 2014 11:19am

So much trying went on in this review

Reply to this Admin

Jason
May 18, 2014 12:59pm

So, you liked it then!

Reply to this Admin

bitheadz
May 18, 2014 3:43pm

Now that is so f***ing not funny, it almost f***ing is again.
F***ing hell, i'm f***ing confused now!You f***ing sh*theads!

Reply to this Admin

Adam Fucking Beard
May 18, 2014 8:58pm

What this review's missing is a "Se7en" reference.

Reply to this Admin

Adam Fucking Beard
May 18, 2014 8:58pm

What this review's missing is a "Se7en" reference.

Reply to this Admin

Adam Fucking Beard
May 18, 2014 9:00pm

SMART-FUCKING-PHONE MY ARSE.

Reply to this Admin

Ali Walker
May 18, 2014 10:59pm

Viva La Vida is a really good album. Every other album they've done is piss poor and they're now getting worse. Time to retire Chris, do something else. Or get Eno back.

Reply to this Admin

Luc Verhaegh
May 19, 2014 7:14am

I salute you, Mr. Agreeable.

Reply to this Admin

Conrad Nightsocks
May 19, 2014 7:57am

Really embarrassed for you guys.

Reply to this Admin

Marc
May 19, 2014 8:27am

Mr Agreeable wasn't desperately funny back in his Melody Maker day and he's less funny now. Has whoever writes him forgotten how to 'do' his voice?

Reply to this Admin

Nizzy
May 19, 2014 8:37am

Raping a baby fish in a barrel full of your own piss. Unpleasant, but still better than c**ting Coldplay.

Reply to this Admin

aaron.
May 19, 2014 10:05am

Is Calvert adopting a nom-de-guerre for his pop destructions, now?

Reply to this Admin

Betty
May 19, 2014 11:54am

This is terrible. Who let the person with teenage angst near the typewriter? We get it. You don't like Coldplay. Well guess what? I don't like them either but I like them more than this pointless review and that, my friend, speaks volumes. Now put some money in the swear jar and go back to music f*cking reviewer school.

Reply to this Admin


May 19, 2014 12:32pm

what a wanker you are

Reply to this Admin


May 19, 2014 12:52pm

Hahahaha I love it how NO ONE admits to liking Coldplay, yet someone sent the last album 4 x Platinum. Shit reveiew though, jeez peeeeeeeew. If you're gonna try for the overblown angry guy angle at least be funny.

As for me, no I can't claim to liking Coldplay either. But there are worse bands out there. Mumford & Sons for one.

Reply to this Admin


May 19, 2014 3:12pm

please stop with this crap.
it wasn't funny in the melody maker and it's not funny now. it's just embarrassing.

Reply to this Admin

AndoDoug
May 19, 2014 4:38pm

This totally makes me want to hear it. If it doesn't you are dead inside. I just hope this reviewer isn't overselling its badness just to sound sort of like Lester Bangs on a cheerful morning

Reply to this Admin

AndoDoug
May 19, 2014 4:38pm

This totally makes me want to hear it. If it doesn't you are dead inside. I just hope this reviewer isn't overselling its badness just to sound sort of like Lester Bangs on a cheerful morning

Reply to this Admin

Kat
May 19, 2014 7:47pm

Not a very happy f***ing laddie, are we?

Reply to this Admin


May 19, 2014 9:53pm

Im mad at myself for even reading this shit! Coldplay arent the loosers here YOU ARE!

Reply to this Admin

Goochoid
May 19, 2014 11:11pm

In reply to A Birch Veneer Occasional Table:

Genius, I salute you A Birch Veneer Occasional Table, that was the funniest reply I have read all millennium. Splendid.

Reply to this Admin


May 19, 2014 11:29pm

Great review,an accurate and concise appraisal of the fucking fetid diarrhea excretia that is the abomination of humanity Cuntplay
The last fucking 20 years of 'popular' music in this rancid country has been infested with these privileged upper middle class fucking clueless facile empty headed cunts ejaculating this brand of whining forgettable inane vainglorious self indulgent cock shit lapped up by an equally vapid clueless directionless generation reared and weaned on dog shit social media
If there was ever a candidate for fucking disembowelment and beheading and eradication from the collective conciousness of humanity Cuntplay would be right up there
unfortuneatley due to information technology they have successfully embedded their stink on this planet for eternity most probably outlasting the half life of fucking uranium
cunts

Reply to this Admin

J.R.
May 20, 2014 1:30am

This review deserves the highest accolades possible-and a share,re- tweet

Reply to this Admin

Dram
May 20, 2014 10:32am

I honestly can't tell what the joke is in this review.

Is it supposed to be a deliberately bad review, thereby passively implying that Coldplay are actually a Real Great Band, and that only idiots naysay everything they release?

Or is it meant to be a brutal destruction of their latest record and background drama? If so...eh. If that was the joke, I would have stopped reading in the first sentence when this stadium-sized guitar pop band were called "alternative".

I get that the reviewer is riffing on form here, and isn't repetition funny?

But... no. Just no.

Reply to this Admin

Dram
May 20, 2014 10:33am

I honestly can't tell what the joke is in this review.

Is it supposed to be a deliberately bad review, thereby passively implying that Coldplay are actually a Real Great Band, and that only idiots naysay everything they release?

Or is it meant to be a brutal destruction of their latest record and background drama? If so...eh. If that was the joke, I would have stopped reading in the first sentence when this stadium-sized guitar pop band were called "alternative".

I get that the reviewer is riffing on form here, and isn't repetition funny?

But... no. Just no.

Reply to this Admin

rodrigo pereira
May 20, 2014 11:55am

i just laughed my f***ing arse off...

Reply to this Admin

Two Headed Roy
May 20, 2014 11:55am

This review is a hundred times worse than any Coldplay album. Trying to be funny by including loads of swears, but without the wit or the writing skills to even remotely pull it off.

Go back to leaving fawning comments on Charlie Brooker articles and leave album reviews to the adults.

Reply to this Admin

Geetah!
May 20, 2014 12:09pm

I'm not going to buy this album but I don't think you should criticise any musician who's working hard to write and record their songs and put them out there...and breaking up is hard to do guys and gals!

Reply to this Admin

Geetah!
May 20, 2014 12:10pm

I'm not going to buy this album but I don't think you should criticise any musician who's working hard to write and record their songs and put them out there...and breaking up is hard to do guys and gals!

Reply to this Admin

Geetah!
May 20, 2014 12:10pm

I'm not going to buy this album but I don't think you should criticise any musician who's working hard to write and record their songs and put them out there...and breaking up is hard to do guys and gals!

Reply to this Admin

Geetah!
May 20, 2014 12:10pm

I'm not going to buy this album but I don't think you should criticise any musician who's working hard to write and record their songs and put them out there...and breaking up is hard to do guys and gals!

Reply to this Admin


May 20, 2014 12:37pm

Don't buy it then you prick

Reply to this Admin

Craig Norman
May 20, 2014 12:45pm

Greatest review since "Shit Sandwich".

Reply to this Admin

Two Headed Roy
May 20, 2014 12:45pm

This review is a hundred times worse than any Coldplay album. Trying to be funny by including loads of swears, but without the wit or the writing skills to even remotely pull it off.

Go back to leaving fawning comments on Charlie Brooker articles and leave album reviews to the adults.

Reply to this Admin

grok wash
May 20, 2014 1:33pm

hmmm.. 'alternative rock band' ?

Reply to this Admin

joe
May 20, 2014 2:11pm

Coldplay::Music for Bedwetters

Reply to this Admin

Paul
May 20, 2014 2:12pm

Brilliant bang on.

Reply to this Admin

Paul
May 20, 2014 2:16pm

Brilliant bang on.

Reply to this Admin

Robyn Singer
May 20, 2014 2:52pm

Havent heard more than one track but it took effort and work and involved getting up off the arse and producing music. Would love to know the above critic's usual employment. Does it involve any kind of real creativity apart from being a master of heavy hypetbole

Reply to this Admin

Samara Morgan
May 20, 2014 3:24pm

High level review as I can see...

Reply to this Admin

thomas walker
May 20, 2014 3:33pm

I'd buy the review keep d album

Reply to this Admin

DrSmallberries
May 20, 2014 3:44pm

All music since about 1992 seems to fit this review nicely. Except for the f***ing Gwyneth part.

Reply to this Admin

Samara Morgan
May 20, 2014 3:49pm

This album shows that Coldplay are, and have always been, a solid pop/rock band despite how much the haters may disagree. Yeap.

Reply to this Admin

Maria
May 20, 2014 3:51pm

My eyes are hurting...but I'm sure my ears will hurt more if I play Coldplay...Is Coldplay the new Mick Hucknall??

Reply to this Admin

EMski
May 20, 2014 3:53pm

In reply to :

Maybe Mr Agreeable should take a look at his own grammatical capabilities and writing sophistication (or lack of) before criticizing others.

I dislike Coldplay, but I dislike morons who thing swearing every other word is humour even more!!

Reply to this Admin

Jude Calvert-Toulmin
May 20, 2014 4:01pm

I read this last week and I think it's mean spirited but worse, cowardly, as it's anonymous. It's so easy to write anonymous vitriol on the internet. How many albums has the writer of this piece released? We can presume none. Therefore Chris Martin wins and he loses and therefore he should keep his fucking potty mouth shut.

Reply to this Admin

Samara Morgan
May 20, 2014 4:05pm

That review gave me cancer.

Reply to this Admin

Dr Ew
May 20, 2014 4:33pm

I say. Steady on, that man.

Reply to this Admin

Sandra
May 20, 2014 4:47pm

This ranks as one of the best reviews ever. Thanks.

Reply to this Admin

grelch
May 20, 2014 4:48pm

Frankly, I don't Mr. Agreeable goes far enough.

Reply to this Admin

audrey clark
May 20, 2014 5:03pm

HAHHAHAHA-thanks for the LAUGH!

Reply to this Admin

mikeal
May 20, 2014 5:25pm

Nothing like music snobs who think that they know what good music is. I know exactly the type of guy that Mr. Agreeable is...a know-it-all so called "music-lover" who thinks that he is the only one who has "good taste" in music. Give me a break.

Reply to this Admin

Mark
May 20, 2014 5:58pm

In reply to Martin Mackie:

Beautiful. Made my day. But yes, stop with the **s. we all know the word is fuck. It was a fucking funny review of a fucking awful album by the most abso-fucking-lutely most terrible band of the last 20 years, if not history.

Reply to this Admin

Mark
May 20, 2014 5:58pm

In reply to Martin Mackie:

Beautiful. Made my day. But yes, stop with the **s. we all know the word is fuck. It was a fucking funny review of a fucking awful album by the most abso-fucking-lutely most terrible band of the last 20 years, if not history.

Reply to this Admin

1930s Disney nymph
May 20, 2014 6:10pm

leave my genitalia out of it

Reply to this Admin

Ronnie
May 20, 2014 6:22pm

That good eh

Reply to this Admin

Jo
May 20, 2014 6:34pm

I don't have to knit my breakfast no more

Reply to this Admin

Jill Griffin
May 20, 2014 6:39pm

Meh!

Reply to this Admin

Ed Wilkinson
May 20, 2014 7:09pm

Yes or no ?

Reply to this Admin

Fluff
May 20, 2014 7:10pm

I liked the Quietus site...until I read this failed teenage attempt at sweary humour.
I can't abide Coldplay...but this review is 'written' by someone who has an equally dismal lack of wit/talent/whatever.
Shite band
Shite review

Reply to this Admin

Paul Simmonds
May 20, 2014 7:26pm

I have no aversion to swearing, I love a good fuck here and there, but the word was used so many times in this article I couldn't even finish it. Not from being offended, it just ended in it being a really bad read, how can writing have any flow if every 4th or 5th word is the same expletive? Poorly written review.

Reply to this Admin

Chaka
May 20, 2014 7:42pm

What the fuck does f***ing mean?

Reply to this Admin

paul wilkes
May 20, 2014 7:55pm

i havent attempted to listen to the album but this is one of the best pissed off classic reviews ever. Inspired... well done thank you

Reply to this Admin

Karl Shore
May 20, 2014 8:41pm

Seems pretty balanced to me.

Reply to this Admin

Karl Shore
May 20, 2014 8:42pm

Seems pretty balanced to me.

Reply to this Admin

Karl Shore
May 20, 2014 8:43pm

seems pretty balanced to me. Magnificent

Reply to this Admin

Jeffery
May 20, 2014 8:58pm

Let's compare it to your album of genius. When do you think your bucket of s**T will drop?
Thought so.....

Reply to this Admin

The 2nd last bus back
May 20, 2014 9:00pm

Everyone needs to just calm down.

Reply to this Admin

Nik
May 20, 2014 9:01pm

I almost want to buy it to see just how accurate this review is....naaaaahhhhh. Bloody classic.

Reply to this Admin

gentle ben
May 20, 2014 9:25pm

what a cock! well done for writing the most amount of F words in a paragraph though, and all this praise for doing it!! maybe you should use your real name and get the credit rather than some pseudonym?

Reply to this Admin

tom hingley
May 20, 2014 10:09pm

i'm not sure it was THAT good

Reply to this Admin

Barry Shitpeas
May 20, 2014 11:50pm

I was laughing so hard at the 5th paragraph about how he should be celebrating Paltrow's departure with songs of joy that the later line about Shirley Temple took me completely by surprise. I'm afraid to say that I simultaneously p*ssed and sh*t myself, then vomited with laughter into the resulting mess. And here was me thinking that the amiable Mr. A. had jumped the shark sometime before the millennium. No. He appears to be as vital as ever. A world with Coldplay in it NEEDS men like this.

Reply to this Admin

Heather
May 21, 2014 12:01am

It deff. needs more cow bell

Reply to this Admin

chris
May 21, 2014 5:39am

this is, for my money, the best album review ever written, and the most honest, unflinching take on cold play's gilded milquetoast garbage ever. nice fucking work.

Reply to this Admin

Nathan
May 21, 2014 7:39am

This review isn't funny, despite trying desperately to be. And the reviewer shoots himself in the foot in his first sentence by calling Coldplay an 'alternative rock band'. Sorry, in what world were Coldplay ever alternative rock?!!

Reply to this Admin

Nathan
May 21, 2014 7:39am

This review isn't funny, despite trying desperately to be. And the reviewer shoots himself in the foot in his first sentence by calling Coldplay an 'alternative rock band'. Sorry, in what world were Coldplay ever alternative rock?!!

Reply to this Admin

Frankie Ward
May 21, 2014 8:48am

I warned Ms McKenna when she bought their first single that no good would come of this - Heed the Word of the Ward

Reply to this Admin

Stephen
May 21, 2014 8:53am

Nitpicking.

Reply to this Admin

S
May 21, 2014 10:03am

In reply to :

I agree with what you said above.....

Why did I spend 5 minutes of my time reading your awful inaccurate review Quietus. They have a certain melancholic style and a lot of people like it. Can you not think of more creative words than 'f....' this and that?

Reply to this Admin

Curryman56
May 21, 2014 10:32am

Thanks for those words, they say everything I have always felt about Coldplay and Paltrow. You really brightened up my week.

Reply to this Admin

Chris Trout
May 21, 2014 10:37am

So what's the difference between Chris Martin churning out the same tired old shit he's been peddling for years and David Stubbs doing the same? I fucking despise Coldplay, and I am quite sure their new album is utterly repellant, but this is weak and lazy.

Reply to this Admin

fritz o.
May 21, 2014 12:17pm

unbelievable & great: the invention of the "one man flame-war"! or in german: "one man shitstorm", haha!

Reply to this Admin

Confused?
May 21, 2014 12:30pm

Does this mean you didn't like the album?

Reply to this Admin

A Crowley
May 21, 2014 12:51pm

At least the album is better than this f***ing lazy, limp-dick-witted review. Are you 12 or just a grown up c*nt who thinks like it?
My last stool has more journalistic prowess - perhaps you should consult yours for advice?
Great site... Haha. Obviously not.

Reply to this Admin

charliefarly
May 21, 2014 1:19pm

Genius

Reply to this Admin

Smedley Davis
May 21, 2014 4:27pm

Can somebody pass me the peas?

Reply to this Admin


May 21, 2014 4:47pm

dick

Reply to this Admin

Christine
May 21, 2014 5:38pm

I was never a big fan of Coldplay to begin with, although I could listen to some of their stuff if it happened to be playing. I have never bought any of their music, and that is a streak that I will not be breaking with this album, "Ghost Stories." I just finished listening to it, and I immediately ran to my computer to see the reviews. Just as I thought; horrible album. Every song simply sucks.

Reply to this Admin

Mac
May 21, 2014 6:59pm

Lazy f***ing 'journalism' of the very worst kind.

Reply to this Admin

Francesca Seden
May 21, 2014 9:32pm

I need to learn how to write reviews like that. I can't help but be at least a bit nice. Great work

Reply to this Admin


May 21, 2014 9:36pm

In reply to morriseyisheaven:

Like the streets he used to own.

Reply to this Admin

Jim Leatherman
May 21, 2014 11:51pm

F'in Hilarious ... Funniest review ever!

Reply to this Admin

morriol
May 22, 2014 6:53am

wow that's some expressive argument that's been put out there!! Yo u don't feel very strongly about them do ya?!!

Reply to this Admin

Warwick Williams
May 22, 2014 10:57am

Get a big bag of dicks into ya Martin

Reply to this Admin

Mutley
May 22, 2014 12:41pm

I think some people have a real lack of a sense of humour here, I thought this was funny. Too many uses of the word f**k to be honest but in all fairness Chris Martin has to be one of the most irritating pretentious c**ts I've ever heard.

Reply to this Admin

Dribbly Diarrhoea
May 22, 2014 1:08pm

I've got a 13" cock. Do I win a prize?

Reply to this Admin

Conway Falconer
May 22, 2014 4:29pm

Hosed myself. Fuck coldplay. But I think your'e being a bit rough on Gwyneth. She's done some great work; loved her as a head in a box.

Reply to this Admin

William
May 22, 2014 8:17pm

hmm. It is a really atrocious piece of work from what I heard on Later... But this review could have found far, far wittier ways of saying it. An honourable failure... which is more than I can say for C**%£$^y

Reply to this Admin

Crelly
May 22, 2014 8:40pm

You're allowed to curse on the internet.

Reply to this Admin

Vicki
May 22, 2014 11:11pm

I have to say, being a fan of Coldplay, that on receiving this cd for my birthday I was excited BUT on listening to it a few times there is certain level of self indulgence coming through. My darling brother sent me this review & I gave it my serious consideration. I laughed so much! ADELE is the only artist to nail a relationship breakup album. Saying that I do like magic & will continue to play the cd mixed up with other more brilliant pieces of their work.

Reply to this Admin

peter quinn
May 23, 2014 12:56am

Brilliant

Reply to this Admin

rkd
May 23, 2014 8:34am

this review is not really bad, hard to read, a bit primitive
but the level of this review represents the level of the reviewed album,
actually the music is so bad, that doesn't deserve for bigger intelectual effort
sometimes the music is so bad that i also have a need to do something like that
this record shouldn't be published, it is an abomination for music, even the one that pretends to be music in any way
they deserve for this

Reply to this Admin

Kenny G
May 23, 2014 2:16pm

The world needs more reviews like this and the WaPo Arcade Fire takedown.

Reply to this Admin

Nik
May 24, 2014 10:29pm

I wish I'd written that.

Reply to this Admin

R
May 26, 2014 11:31am

This is a waste of pixels.

Reply to this Admin

Katrin
May 26, 2014 4:13pm

Sorry, Mr. Agreeable, this is not a review, this is a rant of an adolescent schoolboy who just has his swearword-phase but is too gutless to write them without self-censorship. Mop up your sick and then go back listening to your gangsta-rap CDs, kid.
Coldplay have lost their magic, maybe, but the music industry is full of worse stuff that deserves the vitriol you spat out on Chris Martin and folks.

Reply to this Admin

MrQwerty
May 26, 2014 6:21pm

Abso-fucking-lutely. The truth is out - somebody calls a spade a spade - Coldplay are utterly talentless and have not a jot of talent. Their songs are tedious and instantly forgettable with never a hook to invade their feeble and mediocre ramblings. Right On Brother!

Reply to this Admin

jeffort23
May 28, 2014 3:19pm

Chris Martin and co. desperately seek to downsize. Mope uncontrollably. Scarf down paella.

http://ludditestereo.com/2014/05/21/ghost-stories-coldplay-album-review/

Reply to this Admin

Christian Mesiano
May 28, 2014 7:44pm

F****ing Fantastic Review!
shit, I think I just pissed myself...

Reply to this Admin

Baggyboy
May 28, 2014 9:06pm

In reply to Christian Mesiano:

Admit it Gwyneth you wrote that review.

Reply to this Admin

Simon Leek
May 28, 2014 9:45pm

I don't like what I've heard of Ghost Stories either. Haven't liked much Coldplay have done for a few years, to be honest. But your whining about how much you hate Chris Martin et al is even more boring and derivative than he is... congratulations. That's an achievement few would have thought possible.

Reply to this Admin

Dave
May 29, 2014 5:35pm

But, I'm sure it's much better live, right?

Reply to this Admin

Cats In Hats
May 30, 2014 12:39am

So, is "Mr. Agreeable" supposed to be funny? Because these "reviews" are terrible.

Reply to this Admin

Anon
May 30, 2014 8:59am

Can't tell if he's trying to be funny or if he's just an idiot with a strange affinity to the word fucking and the many asterisks' that for some reason censor the review. If your audience needs words like fucking censored, then you might want to review using phrases such as 'I would rather chew off my f***ing scrotum than ever listen again to this boneless f***ing melange of morose f***ing piss-shit'. What's even the point of censoring that? Why are the letters 'f', 'i', 'n' and 'g' appropriate, but for some reason the 'UCK' is FAR to vulgar for the minds of your readers. They'd like to stick to their 'cunt' 'twat' 'shit' and washing down beige paint recently shat out of a yaks anus thank you very much.

Reply to this Admin

ChrisMartinsLostBalls
Jun 4, 2014 4:13pm

Coldplay fucking sucks and I'm glad someone told it how it is.

It's also funny to see the Coldplay fanboys and fangirls swarming here with their knickers in a twist.

Reply to this Admin

Lloyd Kennedy
Jun 5, 2014 8:02am

A brilliantly written article . Who needs to listen to Chris Martin whining like a six year old when there's the Oscar Pistorius trial to regale us all ?

Reply to this Admin


Jun 9, 2014 12:43pm

Vile.

Reply to this Admin

Glandular
Jun 9, 2014 8:38pm

"They made Dido sound like Bessie f***ing Smith! They filled the giant f***ing void in pop culture in the early 21st century because they are a giant f***ing void!" Brilliant. Telling it like it is. Did the rock critic police fall asleep or something?

Reply to this Admin

Paul
Jun 13, 2014 2:07pm

Well that's just nitpicking, isn't it?

Reply to this Admin


Jun 24, 2014 1:17am

But other than that, you enjoyed it?

Reply to this Admin

Angus
Jul 9, 2014 5:28pm

Perfect review. Couldn't have said it better myself - "happiness hoover" spot on!

Reply to this Admin

Chris
Jul 16, 2014 9:25pm

Not a fan then?

Reply to this Admin

Paul Taylor
Sep 5, 2014 6:21am

I think I might buy it, any album that can provoke that much of a reaction has to be worth listening too, over and over again.

Reply to this Admin


Sep 20, 2014 6:40am

chris martin is a womaniser and a waste off time good luck 2 next woman who puts up with his bullshit he has wrecked the band as far as im concernd dont think he nows what love is he just hurts womens feelings !

Reply to this Admin


Oct 25, 2014 2:05pm

CON MIS ALAS NUNCA DEJARE DE VOLAR Y MI MENTE ES LIBRE DE PENSAR.

Reply to this Admin

Karla Harris
1 day ago

I'm no Coldplay fan but this is by far the worst review I have ever read. What a way to lose credibility as a decent music reviewing blog.

Reply to this Admin