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Mr Agreeable

Mr Agreeable: Taking A Pricke To Robin Thicke's Balloon
Mr Agreeable , August 9th, 2013 10:10

Our gouty old chum Mr Agreeable rises from his repast in a fit of pique once again, this time enraged by Robin Thicke's sexist videos, Robert Plant joining Twitter, Jack White's restraining order, and Hugh Laurie playing the blues

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Waking up to a breakfast platter of poached quail's eggs, a medley of seasonal vegetables, multigrain cereal, pomegranate juice and a lump of peat soaked overnight in a vat of Scotsman's whiskey urine, I partake of my refreshment, set aside my tray and peruse selected periodicals bringing recent tidings in the world of of music. Therein, I read that Robin Thicke, noted R&B songwriter, has released an album, Blurred Lines, following the success of his recent single of the same name.

F*** me sideways with an elephant's dildo, the viewing figures on the Youtube video accompanying this monumental f***ing discharge of baboon spunk show that it's been seen over 128 million f***ing times. 128 f***ing million times! That's it, it's time for f***ing life on earth to f***ing stop and for us to hand over the planet to the f***ing cockroaches! It's not so much his f***ing name. I'm sure there's a Senor Twatte in Spain who has no f***ing idea how his name comes across in other countries, or some unsuspecting German bloke called Eimer Koch, who hasn't the foggiest notion what's remotely f***ing funny about that, or some Brazilian called Edson Araldes Do Cordobes Nascienta De Assis Moriera Cunt who has no clue that there's anything untoward about his name either. It's not even the fact that he looks like what would happen if David Brent grew a womb and Simon Cowell f***ed him hard up the arse. It's that Robin Thicke is, bar none, the smuggest, wankiest, creepiest, oiliest, smegma-breathed little shit ever to have f***ing sashayed into the f***ing public realm! A spoiled young Saudi Arabian Prince who trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes to lick jelly off his balls all day and insisted they live in dog kennels on the grounds of his estate in between sessions would watch this video and think, “Actually, I find this quite sexist.” Check the f***ing look on that poor woman's face at 4:20. “Can I go now? Seriously, can I f***ing go now?” Just as well it fades otherwise we'd actually see her vomit. Robin Thicke! What an absolute f***ing cock of a c***!

Robert Plant has recently signed up to a range of social networks, including a Twitter account which, among other things, will link to his website which features a docu-series on his recent travels to Mali.

Robert Plant's joined Twitter? Fantastic! Because I don't know about you, folks, but if I was ever confused about what the f*** was going on in this sad and broken world, lost in a fog of incomprehension about current affairs and the vagaries of human nature, the first f***ing person I'd turn to for wisdom and enlightenment is Robert f***ing Plant and his sagacious 140-character aphorisms! “What would Robert Plant do?” I always say to myself in times of trouble and strife. What would he do? Do what he f***ing always does – release an album of rasping, neo-hippy shite and then follow it up with a bunch of interviews in which he refuses to talk about the one f***ing thing anyone's interested in about him, ie, what the f*** Led Zeppelin were doing with that f***ing shark in that f***ing hotel that time! So, you went to Mali to feel all global and world musicky, eh? Good for you. I hope you got a warm welcome. I know I'd give you one if I was from Mali. “Hey! Catweazle? Got £30 million you can spare? No? Well, f*** off.” Hairy, addled twat!

It seems that Jack White has had a restraining order from his ex-partner. In the filing, Karen Elson said that White sends her emails laced with profanity and calls her derogatory names.

Yeah? Well that is bang out of order, White, you wretched, primped-up f***ing pillar of Caucasian cockache! I know how you f***ing feel, Karen – I filed a restraining order against White forbidding him to occupy the same f***ing solar system as me back in 2003 but the c***'s been in breach of it ever since!

Finally, it seems that Hugh Laurie has released an album of blues songs, entitled Didn't It Rain.

Well, gosh, yes, because if anyone was entitled to holler the lamentably overrated, cheerless, shitspreading “Here comes the second line, ooh, what a f***ing surprise it's the same as the f***ing first line” genre that is the blues, then it's f***ing Hugh Laurie. His life's so f***ing harrowing I'm surprised sharecroppers in the deep South don't have an annual f***ing whipround for him! Seriously, how audaciously conceited a c*** would you have to f***ing be to use your celebrity f***ing leverage, the spare time you can afford through being so lavishly f***ing rewarded for the shit that you do not only to record a f***ing blues album, but then to bang the f***ing drum and actively f***ing encourage people to spend their limited f***ing cash on the f***er, hogging attention spans and f***ing column inches along the f***ing way? Paris Hilton starring in a f***ing biopic of Anne Frank wouldn't be as f***ing obscene! Didn't it rain? That wasn't f***ing rain, Hugh. That was God himself hauling himself to his feet, unzipping his flies, parting the clouds and pissing directly onto you, for your unbelievable f***ing cocktwattery, you c***!

Leroy Hugenkiss
Aug 9, 2013 2:37pm

But if The Quietus has embedded the video in one of their articles, that'll be another 32 million views, assuming a mere half of their readership watches it

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Newfield Chris
Aug 9, 2013 2:50pm

Why censor all the swearing? We all know what it means. Are you scared your mums will find out you've been using bad language?

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Luke Turner
Aug 9, 2013 2:58pm

As ever for those who are unaware, the swearing is starred out because it was ever thus. This is how it appeared in Melody Maker back in the day - we have brought Mr Agreeable, kicking screaming and with wine-streaked phlegm dripping from the corner of his mouth, out of retirement. And it looks funnier.

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David
Aug 9, 2013 2:59pm

I wrote your next article.

*Some news*

f **** ** ***** ******* *** ** ******* *** ** ** ******** ** * **** ** *** **** ****** ******* *** *** *** ***** *** **** ** *** ** ******* * ** * * ******* *** ** * ** ******** I'm a jizzslurper

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grit bin
Aug 9, 2013 3:04pm

These columns are unequivocally dreadful.

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John D (not that one)
Aug 9, 2013 3:42pm

Ah, the myriad layers of subtlety. Thanks Mr Agreeable and have yourself a lovely weekend.

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Aug 9, 2013 4:47pm

Moreira Cunt. Not "Moriera". You brits need to understand how diferent portuguese and spanish sound. And write accordingly.

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Aug 9, 2013 4:52pm

In reply to :

Fucking entertaining, though.

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jeres
Aug 10, 2013 6:35am

He's definitely still got it. Can you bring back Cretinous, Useless, Negligible Tosser of the Week please?

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Taun Aengus
Aug 10, 2013 6:40am

I love that there is an ad for lip plumping in the middle of the article. Oh and I agree with every word and *****. I'd hate to see you upset.

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Jm
Aug 10, 2013 8:26pm

F***ing brilliant

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Eliza11
Aug 10, 2013 10:17pm

F***in genius

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Boland 23
Aug 11, 2013 12:14pm

Welcome f***ing back!

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Garry Watson
Aug 22, 2013 3:05pm

Keep these coming! We're waiting too long between diatribes.
Yes,I found Mr Agreeable (and Mr Abusing )hilarious back in the day in MM. Nice to see he still has a platform!

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Dandylion Breaches
Aug 30, 2013 11:25am

There's a free personality test (with accompanying photo of a Tibetan monk calmly squatting beside a lake) in the midst of this article which makes me wonder whether i express myself succinctly enough compared to Mr Agreeable. BTW there are much more sexist vids & perpetrators than Robin Thicke, like R Kelly or Usher (admittedly most chauvanistic R&B industry moguls) and he has at least worked with mostly female artists

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Aug 31, 2013 2:23am

Not really that amusing anymore,20 years ago perhaps,yes,leafing through the weekly melody maker pre internet it was genuinely funny but nowadays all and sundry are spewing this type of invective and like most things the shock value has completely withered away and fucked off
I think the only way to spice it up is to threaten an act of heinous violence on these cunts,its the only thing that will raise a chuckle in me nowadays

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Mark Doherty
Aug 31, 2013 3:50pm

Can I just point out that the whole Mr Agreeable thing doesn't work if you asterisk out the swear words? The joke is tht he is very offensive, so if you * things out for fear of offending anybody, you kind of undermine the whole premise. That's how humour works, guys!

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John Doran
Aug 31, 2013 10:07pm

In reply to Mark Doherty:

I swear blind the next person who complains about this without reading the other comments first, I'm going to use illegal means to track them down and fucking kill them. It's starred out because that is the fucking format it was written in when it was originally in the Melody Maker you shit munching, donkey fucking twat basket.

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dirigible
Sep 5, 2013 1:35am

I laughed. And it is funnier, as always, with the asterisks. That this upsets people more than uncensored swearing would makes it even better.

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Horsefucker Jones
Sep 5, 2013 7:33pm

Meh.

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Johnson McRabb's Fresh Dairy-Apple Egg Baskets
Sep 5, 2013 7:35pm

In reply to John Doran:

You're a very unprofessional journalist.

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Aftereight Wankingu
Sep 8, 2013 3:21pm

I´m upset that someone is generally swearing and acting on father rum form. This is modern Britain, y'all and we all have to make a living. Music is likewise a business and its artists are selling product. I like to consume this product on a regular basis though I do sometimes become slightly troubled when one of said products switches to a new recipe: a new guitarist for instance. It is never the same. However. Can we try to behave with a bit more decorum, please, otherwise this surfeit of tremendously exciting rock music which we have enjoyed for the past 10 years and which can only emanate from the kind of wild and visionary characters which we see around us as they allow us to witness us luminescent and financially uncompromised musical insights might cease to function.

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David Gerard
Sep 8, 2013 5:07pm

In reply to Mark Doherty:

You did notice how he left it in the name but asterisked it everywhere else?

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McRonson
Mar 20, 2014 8:00am

F****n A - Mr. Agreeable is back! More power to him!!

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