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Mr Agreeable

Mr Agreeable: His Piss Is The Vinegar On Morrissey's Chips
Mr Agreeable , June 15th, 2012 05:54

Once again the Quietus editors have had to don rubber gloves to open another sour envelope from Mr Agreeable. He's much to say on NME's apology to Morrissey, new Mumford & Sons, Usher and The Stone Roses...

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Waking up to a breakfast tray of sliced cucumbers on a bed of boiled Quinoa, sugarless Muesli, a peach medley and three gallons of overproof rum swilled in a Dublin spitoon with a slice of lemon, I take in the repast, before turning to the latest news from the world of rock and pop, the comings and goings of the Hit Parade, and so forth. My eye is first caught by news that the New Musical Express, sometimes known as the NME, has apologised for inadvertently implying that Morrissey, former lead singer of The Smiths, is a racist.

F*** me with a beached whale's rib dipped in hot tar, Morrissey? A racist? Definitely f***ing not! A preening, bloviating f***ing sack of acrid, mouldering f***ing irrelevance, yes, but not a f***ing racist! A truffling f***ing attention hog who makes Stephen f***ing Fry look like f***ing Lord Lucan, but not a racist, certainly! A sub-Alan Bennettian, sub-Wildean, toxic, meretricious f***ing half-wit who actually looks worse than the f***ing portrait in his attic nowadays, but no racist! The hulking, clothbrained f***face and f***ing gullibility profiteer responsible for turning indie music into a funkless, monochrome perma-drizzle of f***ing underachieving, sullen, extraneous f***ing mediocrity, yes, but a racist? I f***ing think not! Never was an apology more f***ing deserved! If the f***ing NME had got any f***ing vestige of f***ing insight, they'd have realised that being one of the world's most prominent anti-racists is the c***'s sole redeeming feature! You only have to look at everything he's ever f***ing said and everything he's ever f***ing done to see that! Duh!

Mumford & Sons are well on the way to completing work on their second album. Says Ben Lovett of the group, "There's no pressure... we're really excited about it. We're looking forward to putting the record out there."

F*** you and f*** you hard with your own torn off f***ing limbs, you simpering, waistcoated f***ing gaggle of poverty-parodying junkyard superpricks! When the f***ing ravenous hordes of the f***ing revolution track you and the rest of your privileged c*** of a class to your f***ing townhouse lairs and tear down the f***ing boards you nailed up during the f***ing food riots, they'll f***ing drag you outside and boil you alive in vats of the melted down vinyl of your f***ing insult-to-f***ing injury, obscenely f***ing unnecessary albums! You and your f***ing fans, all of whom are called "Ollie", spiritually at any f***ing rate! Death, violent, slow, painful and immediately administered f***ing death to all "Ollie"s!

Usher is back with a new album. Striking a note of self-absorption unusual in the world of contemporary R&B, it's called Looking 4 Myself.

Oh, looking for yourself are you, Usher? Mislaid yourself? I think I know where you might f***ing find yourself. Have you tried looking in the charts? Hard to locate nowadays, I f***ing agree, as no one gives an airborne f***ing shag about the f***ing charts any more but I think that's where you'll f***ing find yourself, clogging up the f***ing works with the f***ing over-produced, vacuum-sucked, reality-of-life-for-black-people-denying, generic f***ing glucose syrup that passes for f***ing African-American music in this f***ing day and age, you long, useless, flaccid f***ing wanksock!

Finally, in important news, it turns out that Stone Roses failed to play an encore at an Amsterdam concert after drummer Reni refused to come back onstage. In sympathy with the disgruntled crowd, singer Ian Brown described his co-band member as a "cunt".

"C***"? Why, that's unwarrantedly strong language. Reni a c***? It isn't possible. He's a member of Stone Roses. None of Stone Roses are c***s. Chancers but cowards, who when randomly offered the opportunity to become the biggest group since the f***ing Beatles because a bored, fieldbound, rave-addled generation needed a white guitar group, any white guitar group, to fill a large, Beatles-sized hole, f***ed off to Wales for six f***ing years, leaving us to the mercy of the even f***ing worse f***ing Oasis, but definitely not c***s! Played a f***ing gig at Reading so legendarily bad that even the f***ing empty bladdered took refuge in the f***ing toilets but certainly not c***s! Arseholes, yes, but not c***s! Actually, scratch that Brown was f***ing right. They're f***ing Stone Roses, for f***'s sake. Of course they're c***s. In fact, now that I come to think of it, Morr - (thank you - Ed)

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Tim Russell
Jun 15, 2012 10:17am

The bit about Usher is spot-on & worth the admission money alone. Brilliant.

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Jun 15, 2012 10:30am

Ah welcome back Mr A. We missed you. Long live Melody Maker!

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Man on the Internet
Jun 15, 2012 10:47am

That's all well and good but what does it sound like?

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Jun 15, 2012 11:29am

I f***ing missed Mr f***ing Agreeable. I think there's a definite link between John Doran's recent raging in the comments section and the reappearance of Mr Agreeable.

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Phil Green
Jun 15, 2012 12:18pm

I suspect that David Stubbs is actually a member of this "privileged c*** of a class" which he so eloquently speaks of (Oxford graduate), along with most of these ex-NME public school types who bang on about prole revolution and unadventurous, "white" indie music which is a threat to the very fabric of our society; however, this is still a very funny piece of writing in parts. I'm not a fan of mumford and sons OR the smiths, by the way, I just feel that I should make a kind of semi-stand against this type of hypocrisy.

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Jun 15, 2012 12:43pm

In reply to Phil Green:

You're probably technically right and Swells (RIP) would be another example but you know what? Firstly, there's a difference between ambiguity and hypocrisy, which is a *harsh* word to throw around. Secondly, given that we're now governed by the obscenely-privileged-and-proud-of-it class, I'll give a cautious welcome to the middle-class-but-slightly-guilty-about-it any day.

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Phil Green
Jun 15, 2012 12:58pm

In reply to Alex:

Ambiguity? Hmm, not so sure about that, I think the message is perfectly clear. And yeah, agree about the tories but being governed by the upper class isn't anything new; Tony Blair and Gordon Brown weren't exactly the champions of the working man which they often liked to make out, although you could argue that the condem alliance is composed of far more of these types than any previous UK government. I think Swells invented this type of writing, and everyone else in the music press was trying to follow his lead; thing is, he had a clear political agenda and didn't take himself too seriously, whereas that kind of bolshy, in yer face brand of journalism can often amount to little more than petty name calling and raspberry blowing in lesser hands. This article is funny for the most part, I just took it upon myself to address a point which I find mildly irksome, that's all!

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Deepak Vleit
Jun 15, 2012 2:42pm

this wasn't funny first time round, move on, invent something else..
so sixth form.

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John Doran
Jun 15, 2012 4:33pm

In reply to Phil Green:

Hi Phil,

First of all, can I say thanks for debating in a reasonable manner than hasn't ended with me butting my keyboard til it atomizes. I agree in a very loose rule of thumb about people in glass houses. However in this instance, I believe the thing that unites all of us (my dad worked his entire life in a factory and we have some writers who are only a stones throw away from being aristocratic, so we cover a wide class base) is the fact that Mumford and Sons are pretending to be poor.

Also, I should say for the record, having met Stubbs' brothers and dad, that he comes from West Yorkshire working class stock, whatever class his admittedly excellent education has conferred on him. But my point is this: everything Stubbs has achieved has been by merit rather than someone giving him a job writing about Sun Ra because he is of the Stubbs of Chapeltown or wherever.


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Phil Green
Jun 15, 2012 6:08pm

John, thanks for replying. My issue wasn't with David Stubbs on a personal issue, I just thought an Oxford graduate (this IS a sign of privelege where I come from, oxford certainly wasn't one of the colleges you could get into on a grant back in the day), complainging about a "priveleged c*** class" was a bir rich, that's all. I don't know an awful lot about mumford and sons, only heard one of their songs, but the manner in which the singer delivered it certainly didn't sound like a mock working class accent, more the crisp, plummy tones of a red faced aristocrat! Still, fair play for leaping to a friend's defence, keep up the good work!

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Jun 16, 2012 3:38am

In reply to Deepak Vleit:

No, you're wrong, This was very funny and this should be a weekly thing, like, every week.

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Johnny Nothing
Jun 16, 2012 11:02am

A joy to read as always.

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Mr. Posh
Jun 16, 2012 12:01pm

Another example of the snooty Oxbridge music journalists looking down on the proles. Bit like asking the Bullingdon club to run the country...

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Jun 18, 2012 3:20pm

In reply to Rasheed:

especially if you are still in the sixth form

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John Blonde
Jun 26, 2012 7:08pm

The stuff about Mumford & Sons wasn't filled with enough hate!

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Jacob Hatred
Jul 2, 2012 8:17pm

In reply to Phil Green:

Good to you have served your time in EMI's black prison for the aesthetically grievous and recanted some your more inflexible beliefs and character traits, Mr Agreeable. I had heard you had changed your name to Ahmed Agreeable during the long years inside but I find that hard to believe. WHilst the llong dark years of Blue and Simon Cowell could have benefited hugely from your dissent(sadly we only had Solzhenitzyn and Mandela to accompany us through these dark years and neither of them seemed to know who Wire or The Butthole Surfers were - and believe me I did ask). I can't help feeling that this is the age for which you might be best suited, Sir, what with the limitless quantity of total shit around. My nan and grandpa say a big thank you for the mumford and sons review, by the way - she hates the cunts and all their fans.Every one of them.

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Del Raganbones
Jul 2, 2012 8:21pm

In reply to Phil Green:

Dear me. What a misaligned shot.

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Jimmy Carr
Jul 2, 2012 9:50pm

In light of the news which emerged this week that Glastonbury will, for the first time this year, contain a grouse shooting field I think Mr Agreeable's ire is well directed.

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benk hunt
Jul 10, 2012 10:43pm

Mr Agreeable? moderately amusing in 1991
now,just fucking boring

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Jul 29, 2012 7:09am

F****g ROFL. 'Wanksock' must be the best insult since Chris Morris' 'F*cknut'.

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Mean Pie Vicar
Sep 9, 2013 11:25am

Mumford and Sons what boredom bastards

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