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Mr Agreeable

Give Him A Bono And He'll Gnaw It. Mr Agreeable Reviews U2
Mr Agreeable , March 2nd, 2009 07:44

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And so, like another f***ing TV series of any f***ing kind involving f***ing Keith Allen, like another f***ing word from the f***ing mouth of Tony Blair, like a f***ing hairy pig's nipple discovered in a f***ing bag of pork scratchings, like another f***ing Manchester United f***ing league title victory, the world gets what the world could least of all f***ing do with – another f***ing U2 album! It wouldn't be so bad if you knew this was the f***ing last one, that the light of U2lessness was glowing at the end of the f***ing tunnel – but you know this bobblehatted bunch of ageing, greying f***ing plumbers in tight f***ing leather trousers have got at least ten more f***ing albums to go yet before NATO forces actually wake up to their f***ing duties and does what it should have done f***ing years ago, and that's to bomb their f***ing studios back into the f***ing stone age!

F***ing Bono – how much worse is this self-important f***ing channeller of the f***ing flatulence of Satan going to get? I tell you, with this c*** it's gonna get worse before it gets even f***ing worse! In all f***ing seriousness – it's gonna get to the f***ing point where f***ing lawyers refuse to take on deserving but f***ing penniless clients for free, for fear that people mistake the phrase “pro Bono” for them being f***ing fans of U2! Once again, legal justice will be the sole prerogative of the f***ing super rich thanks to the stigmatic f***ing impact of one twat who refused to do the f***ing decent thing, ie dig a f***ing hole in the ground big enough for him, his ego and his f***ing nose and f***ing bury himself in it!

Anyway, let us consider without f***ing prejudice and with a fine f***ing toothcomb this goat's abortion of a f***ing album! Passing over the f***ing title track, through which Bono f***ing caterwauls like a f***ing hooter monkey who's been victim of a f***ing rectal pineapple attack by a jealous rival in f***ing mating season, we have “Magnificent”. Is this, I f***ing ask myself, an example of the famed f***ing U2 irony? Because if it was, that means that in their earnest early days, they would have had to call this “Load Of Shit” - because that's what it is, and U2 are Christians, and Christians mustn't tell f***ing lies. But they don't. They call it f***ing “Magnificent”. Because they are first and foremost c***s, every last c*** of them.

“Moment Of Surrender”? Here's a f***ing doozy. U2 discover an entirely new genre called f***ing trip-hop! Attention all Bristol bands, thrashing about for some sort of new f***ing musical direction! Here's a track you might want to f***ing take inspiration from and f***ing rip off! Once again, U2 pave the f***ing way! But the lyrics are the f***ing topper. “I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine/I could see in it a reflection, a face staring back at me.” So what did you f***ing do, Bono, do what we'd all love to do and start punching that instead? And then, for sure, don't the f***ing subway stations turn out to be the stations of the cross? Bono compares his lyrical trials with those of Jesus f***ing Christ? There's a f***ing first! Tell you what pal, if you ever did find yourself getting f***ing crucified, they wouldn't exactly be queuing up with ladders and pairs of f***ing pliers!

See, what gets me about the überc***meister Bono is that he always has to take the f***ing windy, 30,000 feet above sea level route in these f***ing songs. Take f***ing “Unknown Caller”. “I was lost between the hour of midnight and the dawning.” You mean you couldn't sleep! THEN JUST SING THAT, YOU F***ING ELEPHANTITIS SNOUT FACED TWAT AND A F***ING HALF! If you talked like that in real life you'd have your arse kicked up and down the pavement and rightly f***ing so!

What else? “I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight.” “The right to appear ridiculous is something I hold dear”, sings the f***ing cockrotter. No. You don't f***ing appear ridiculous. It's not a f***ing guise or f***ing illusion. You f***ing are ridiculous! And a c***, to boot. As for the f***ing single, well, if you're beaten off in today's charts by f***ing Lady Ga Ga, then you suffered a f***ing humiliation equivalent to being beaten in a f***ing arm wrestling contest by f***ing Pam Ayres! “I don't want to talk about wars between nations”, sings the f***ing c***gobble, in this f***ing impersonation of Elvis Costello impersonating Bob Dylan. Well, gee, Bono, that's a f***ing tragedy. Who else would tell us that “wars are sad, uhhhhuuhhuhhhhooo/people die in them and that's bad, uuwhahooooooooo!” if not you?

“Stand Up Comedy”! By some f***ing streak, the least necessary track ever recorded in studio f***ing history! “Fez – Being Born”, in which Bono reflects on the most unfortunate f***ing event of his life! Ooh, and here comes “White As Snow”, in which Bono reflects on war-torn Afghanistan. “Our faces pale as dirty snow”, he sings, f***wittedly. Dirty snow isn't f***ing pale, you basic cognitive skills-lacking f***ing moron! Oh, and f***ing guess how many times the f***ing words “I” and “me” crop up in this drivelling f***ing ballad as opposed to the f***ing words “war torn Afghans”!

Finally, there's “Cedars Of Lebanon”, in which Bono writes from the f***ing perspective of a f***ing war reporter – ie puts on his f***ing fake flak jacket and a silly hoarse voice and fantasises about doing something brave and f***ing useful in his f***ing life, a bit like some beerbellied c*** in an ill-fitting football shirt fantasising about scoring the f***ing winning goal in a f***ing Cup Final! Oh, and just in case you thought that f***ing keyboard motif in the background was an example of U2 scraping up the first f***ing original idea in their entire f***ing career, you should f***ing know it's lifted wholesale from a f***ing Harold Budd album!

And so, once again, hurtle headlong into the f***ing stratosphere of f***ing high visibility and epic pomposity leaving straight white vapour trails of f*** all substance, destination own collective f***ing sphincter, contents 100% dried out f***ing shit! Retire, you desperate, dessicated old c***s, retire! You have nothing to say and increasingly f***ing fewer people to say it to!

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aaa bbb
Mar 2, 2009 2:16pm

oo ye

most definitely!

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Fred Zeppelin
Mar 2, 2009 3:22pm

My sides! My sides!

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David Gow
Mar 2, 2009 4:27pm

So, better than the last album then?

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d roads
Mar 2, 2009 5:47pm

best review ever, did ya hear they're gonna release another album this year, boo!
http://www.drop-d.ie/article.php?news_id=842

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Ian P.
Mar 2, 2009 5:51pm

Lead-in to yesterday's New York Times piece: "30 years in, U2 still wants to be the next big thing." But I think the piece above will suffice for reading articles about U2 for just about the rest of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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steve wells
Mar 2, 2009 8:45pm

someone has to stop these guys!!

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duran dman
Mar 3, 2009 2:17pm

I'm a fan of U2 and their music. That said, this commentary is fcuking hilarious!! There aren't too many bands who can reinvent the wheel as many times as they have, and live they are a force to reckon with. Love or Loathe Bono, he's getting results. And, people like you contribute to the continuation of Bono's/U2's relevance, perhaps more than the people who love them!

Are you certain Bono didn't pay you to write this?

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Graham Woods
Mar 3, 2009 6:47pm

Please do a Coldplay review.
Then a Keane one.
Then a Travis one.
Then a Kaiser Chiefs one.
I love you.

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Johnny Nothing
Mar 5, 2009 8:31pm

Bono. A face you could never tire of punching.

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Willie 1Foot
Mar 10, 2009 11:36am

In reply to duran dman:

"There aren't too many bands who can reinvent the wheel as many times as they have"... you're being ironic, right?

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iesha parsons
Jul 19, 2009 5:57am

In reply to duran dman:

i would not give a shit anyways

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eroc
Jan 4, 2011 11:43pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHHA HA HA HA AHA AHAHA;DFHA[O D'FJS ;DFJADOFJ SDKJ ;SODFJO ASJDLSDJV ;LS HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i just pissed myself :P
thank you

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chris
Feb 6, 2012 9:44am

U2 MUSIC IS BLAND CORPORATE RUBBISH FOR PEOPLE WHO LISTEN TO MUSIC IN THEIR CARS AND THINK J CLARKSON SHOULD BE PRIME MINISTER

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AntWench
May 13, 2012 12:26am

I laughed so hard I lost "brake fluid" and peed in my panties.

Bono is the worlds largest untapped resource of natural gas on the planet. Mr. Agreeable's article may help to stick a pin it it and pop this gasbag, Bono.

Wanna stop global warming/climate change and tap into an endless resource of renewable energy? Just capture the hot air from that gaseous windbag Bono, swirl it through an energy grid machine and there would be enough power to fuel every car in the world.

Great article, but it should get published in a mainstream rag Rolling Stone magazine, but big problem Jann Wenner is vanilla flavored, bleached out white bread of music media industry. It's people like Jann Wenner and Rolling Stone magazine that we're headed to a world where everyone will have a UPC Bar Code tatooed on their forehead.

Thank you Mr. Agreeable for declaring the Emperor Has No Clothes.

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Graham
Nov 29, 2012 10:32am

Thanks for this. I have just read a load of Mr Agreeable columns (missed him since the NME) and the tearyeyed laugh it has given me has been utterly therapeutic. I genuinely have bruised ribs, and it's painful to laugh, but it hurts so good reading hilarious - and totally accurate - bilious bile like this. Hurt on!

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Last Klingon For 90 Miles
Dec 2, 2012 10:10pm

In reply to Graham Woods:

What's wrong with Keane & Coldplay?

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