Dr Samuel JOHNSON’S Dictionary of the new Musick: The Letter B

Wherein popular Minstrels & divers Forms of Song are subjeckt to withering Definition & justly lampoon’d for the common LISTENER

Gout-riddled scrivener and Twitter maestro Dr Samuel Johnson continues to compile his dictionary for the Quietus



Beastie Boys

Poetick Trio of the most mark’d Longevity, for they have remain’d as oafish Youths for some five-and-twenty YEARS


Musickal Style of the Plantations: its Lyricks, Buttock-them’d Dances & Adherents are all most sympathetick to the MOLLY

‘Baby Got Back’ by Sir MixaLot

Most heart-felt Hymnal to the female Form: I favour the larger Fundament & I cannot LIE; nor can my esteem’d Brothers deny

Kate Bush

Lady-singer, consider’d as a comely Maiden & as an ethereal BANSHEE in equal Measure: most excis’d ‘pon the Topick of Miss BRONTE’S Novella

David Bowie

Thin white Troubadour who does remain at the Prow of modern Musick thro’ such ODES as Space Oddment, Gold’n Years & The Laughing HOMUNCULUS

‘Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter’ by Iron Maiden

Shameful Tableau wherein a publick-school’d Man of fifty Years does attempt to deflower a Maiden through lewd ANALOGIE

‘Better The Devil You Know’ by Kylie

Demure Siren discover’d by Capt. COOK who dares advockate DIABOLISM through Song

Butthole Surfers

Antient Troubadours from the Texan Colonie who do delight the fashionable Americkan by assaulting the Drum & Lute whilst imbibing ETHER

‘Blue Monday’ by New Order

Lengthy Ode proving that the Towns-people of Manchester possess both Stamina & ELECTRICITY

‘The Bends’ by Radiohead

Mournful DIRGE warning of diving Maladies; perform’d by slack-ey’d Milquetoast Mister Thomas YORKE

All Writing & Ideas therein are the Creation of Mister Tom MORTON, who does write for Mister NEATE of The Quietus, yet does reserve the Right to use said Writing in divers Publickations in Future.

Follow Dr Johnson on Twitter via @DrSamuelJohnson

The Quietus Digest

Sign up for our free Friday email newsletter.

Support The Quietus

Our journalism is funded by our readers. Become a subscriber today to help champion our writing, plus enjoy bonus essays, podcasts, playlists and music downloads.

Support & Subscribe Today