Reggae Fans Are Idle Scum, Says Spurious Report. The Quietus Wades In…

How do you get the BBC to report on anything you feel like? Wipe your shitty arse on a sheet of paper and call it a report, says Adam Narkiewicz.

These, friends, are crucial times. What with agricultural soils being eroded at a rate 10 to 40 times that of soil formation, the ingestion and absorption of industrial toxicities contributing to an endocrine disruption that’s resulted in a 40% decline in sperm count in 50 years, energy and food being priced out of reach of the poor, demand for cheap and "green" biofuels devastating forests, and a plague of jellyfish that can only really be described as Biblical, <a "" target="out">wiping out Salmon farms and shit… well, we need all the smart science brains we’ve got working overtime to save our endangered asses.

This is why I am super-stoked like an Aussie on a pyre to learn – via the BBC, praise God – that Professor Adrian North of Heriot-Watt University has deduced, from a study of a claimed 36,000 plus people, that there is "a link between music taste and personality". Think of all the non-marketing related uses you could find for that information!

North’s studies have lead him to the conclusion that people who like classical music have similar personalities to people who like heavy metal. "They’re both creative and at ease but not outgoing," he says, excitably. He’s also deduced that people who like country music are "hardworking", opera fans are "gentle", jazz and blues fans are both "creative", "outgoing", "gentle", and "at ease", while fans of "indie" – I’m not certain what they mean by that, but the BBC article illustrates it with a picture of Pete Doherty, so one gets an idea – have "low self-esteem", are "not gentle", confusingly shattering the stereotypes of both the uber-confident Oasis swagsters and the introspective, meat-avoiding Smiths types in one fell swoop.

As for lovers of reggae, North claims they have "high self-esteem", are "creative", "outgoing", "gentle", "at ease", and crushingly, "not hardworking". WOW! How’s that for an hilariously political way of calling a whole buncha folks "lazy"? Why no "not gentle?" Anyway, try telling that to my Yardie mate Brian. He might appear gentle, but that will all change if you suggest his 14 hour days comprise of lying around twiddling his dreadlocks smoking giant doobies. Dude’ll put the work in Ade, sheeeet.

North’s tireless studies mainly involved getting people to fill in an online questionnaire, that most reliable and scientific of methods. I’m surprised any of those slothful reggae scum could be arsed to fill it out. I just had a go at the thing and gave up after it asked me how old my mother was. Shit, I like reggae. Maybe he’s right!

"If you know a person’s music preference you can tell what kind of person they are, who to sell to," says North, (who’s angling for consultancy work on his website if you’re interested). "There are obvious implications for the music industry who are are worried about declining CD sales." Cotdang Ade, you’ve cracked it! Now all record companies have to do is go door to door on a Wednesday afternoon and flog all those lugubrious Jeremy Kyle watchers Sizzla records. Pow! Industry saved!

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