Uncle Agony Aidan Moffat: Prophylactic For Your Conjugal Woes

Aidan Moffat's back from holiday to solve more of your depraved and peculiar carnal habits

Dear Aidan,

is it acceptable to shag a 50 yrs old man that you find quite unattractive just because he used to be fit 30 yrs ago and used to be in a band you love? Aidan, would that make me a groupie?


Well, Jane, I sincerely hope that when I reach my mid-century years, women of vague morals will be prepared to momentarily sacrifice their dignity and throw themselves upon my robust spear d’amour because they used to think Arab Strap had a couple of alright tunes. I will, of course, refuse – I will doubtless still be hopelessly in love with the mother of my baby boy – but there are few things as smugly satisfying as knocking back the advances of someone you used to fancy.

So what I’m trying to say is, it’s a bit of a win / win situation if you want it to be. If you shag this ex-Rock God, then it may fulfil thirty years of vaginal aching; if you don’t, pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you’re better than that. At the end of the day, when it comes to shagging, you need only answer to yourself.

Dear Aidan,

I recently gave up drink and drugs as I was tired of waking up covered in vomit and coming round on the number 41 bus with no trousers on. My life has improved beyond recognition, but I appear to have tossed my mojo out with the empty cans of Kestrel superstrength. In short, I have lost the ability to pull attractive girls. Or any girls for that matter. I am shy underneath that brash, cocky, almost entirely offensive exterior you see. As a sober man yourself, do you have any tips on how to get my mojo back, or how to meet beautiful women? Just once would help no end. Without the aid of ale I have lost the ability to get random females into bed, which is fairly frustrating, though the ones who left my flat covered in vomit may not agree…



I think your problem here, Jim, is that you’ve done things a bit backwards. You should only retire your substance-fuelled mojo AFTER you’ve found the right girl – hopefully, once you’ve found true love, you’ll no longer need it. Which isn’t to say you can’t have fun and still partake of the odd serotonin-boosting contraband or two – you can still have oodles of fun and what’s more, without the all-consuming pressure to find a mate, you may well have a far better time than you did when you were single. But true love may not be what you’re after – getting “random females into bed” doesn’t sound like the earnest pursuit of a soul-mate to me. Either way, I’m afraid I can’t help you – I have never once in my life asked a girl out on a date whilst sober. Fancy a pint?

Dear Aidan

I hope that you can help me. I have an embarrassing problem that is starting to ruin my silly little life.

When mid combat I become very aggressive and angry and shout things that I would never dream of saying in every day life. I have no idea what happens but i turn into a complete savage.

Last night me and the mrs were having a rub and suddenly I just started screaming – " fucking fucking – I fucking hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " She naturally got very upset and spat in my fat face but I know the next time we have a jump the same will happen again.

I remember a few months back I got so worked up that I punched a wall.

What the fuck is going on?

Barry Johnson


Barry, it’s clear to me that you hold women in utter contempt and that heterosexual intercourse is more of a chore than a pleasure – you even refer to it yourself as “combat.” I think the only sensible thing to do is to try a bit of cock. As for your itchy testicles, it’s probably HIV.

Wondering why the chiffonier gives you trouser tentage? Dribbling over the neighbour’s ass? Aidan Moffat is here to sort you out. Email your trouble and strife (unless you’re a cockney) to aidan@thequietus.com. Have a look at the Aidan Moffat website for all his latest deeds – the man is supporting Shellac, and you can buy singing bottle openers from his new online shop

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