Last night, the mainstream UK music industry descended on the annual teeth-pulling fest that is the BRIT Awards.
Thankfully, we weren’t actually there, but the Quietus’ John Doran was parked in front of ITV, doing the hard work so you didn’t have to. What follows is an entire account of the night in batches of 140 characters or less – a format fitting the ceremony perfectly, since each successive act seems to have been shoehorned into a space lasting somewhere between 2 and 3 minutes, before being replaced immediately by the next. No wonder it was exhausting to watch.
(To our Twitter followers freaked out by last night’s sheer barrage of BRIT related negativity, our apologies. At least we’ve got a whole year to wait until the next session.)
20:00: Neon colours galore as Coldplay go Nu Rave only five years too late.#BRITS
20:07: A heartfelt 15 second Whitney tribute there. #BRITS
20:10: Listening to Florence – Like putting your face in front of the fucking beam at CERN. #BRITS
20:13: Idiot #BRITS – You have to wait until the ad break to see the girl who should have been nominated, Katy B.
20:15: This is the first time I’ve watched ITV in four years. It hasn’t got any better has it? #BRITS
20:16: British Female Solo Artist as presented by Kylie is Adele #BRITS
20:18: Jessie J and Jack White! #BRITS Or something like that…
20:19: Best International Male Solo Artists Bruno Mars #BRITS
20:20: Bruno Mars – Dapper Dan or Dax Wave And Groom? #BRITS
20:24: Olly Murs with girls from the Kellogs Special K ad. Mark Morrison’s ‘Return Of The Mac’ with WPCs this ain’t. #BRITS
20:24: Rizzle Kicks – Grime for people who miss the ‘Stu-stu-studio Line’ ads. #BRITS
20:26: Critics Choice Award. The excellent Emeli Sande, the first thing on screen that hasn’t made me want to blind myself. #BRITS
20:27: Ed Sheeran – his singular achievement is to make Seasick Steve look like a genuine homeless person. #BRITS
20:30: Trying not to tear up thinking about how Ed Sheerhan will have to go straight back to his cardboard box outside Greggs now. #BRITS
20:36: Tiny Tim looks like a good laugh. The only person I’d go to the pub with so far, tripping over Ed Sheeran on the way out no doubt.#BRITS
20:38: One Direction? I don’t even know what this shit is? I’m only doing this because Luke told me there’s a Best Black Metal Category.#BRITS
20:40: International Female – the only non-risible short list so far. And a decent win for Ribena as well. #BRITS
20:45: Noel Gallagher’s got the same neck as my dad. Is he going to start shouting at me about how to sand and varnish wood properly now?#BRITS
20:53: James Corden a graduate from the Tom Cruise school of sincerity. "I’m saying something serious, better look like I’m taking a shit."#BRITS
20:56: Ed Sheeran, like Prince Harry and Boris Johnson got mashed up in a matter transference accident. #BRITS
21:01: I love PJ Harvey. I like to imagine her flying high above these awards on a gold plated jet pack, dropping napalm straight into Corden’s gob
21:05: This is the first time I’ve ever heard Adele and she’s pretty good right? A bit like Diana Dors meets young Cher. #BRITS
21:12: Man, I love Queen. I may just switch the #BRITS off and watch Live Killers on VHS instead.
21:13: Jay (but not Silent Bob) accepting award on behalf of Foo Fighters#BRITS
21:18: Yeah, because Ed Sheeran is obviously better than Anna Calvi and Emeli Sande. Who votes for this shit? Fucking Ewoks? #BRITS
21:20: Damn… confession time. I kinda like this Bruno Mars guy as well. He scrubs up well and looks like a child James Brown impersonator.#BRITS
21:23: Man, I’d already been homeless twice before any of One Direction were born. #BRITS
21:29: "The #BRITS contains flashing lights." Kinda waiting for a seizure to rescue me from the rest of the show to be honest. #BRITS
21:34: I hope Ribena’s paint throwing dance doesn’t catch on in Ryan’s Bar down Church Street, Stoke Newington. #BRITS
21:37: Why is Damien Hirst introducing Blur #BRITS
21:41: I just choked myself unconscious, came round and he’s still fucking talking. puts sharpened pencils up nose #BRITS
21:42: Damon’s speech is like sitting in on a brain injury support group meeting. #BRITS
21:45: I’d hate to see the drummer from Coldplay’s basement. He has the cold dead eyes of a killer. Probably in a jar with other ‘trophies’.#BRITS
21:50: Ha ha ha, George Michael is such a dude. He’s going to do this then smoke a lid of white rhino in his silk boxer shorts. #BRITS
21:51: Did I just say George Michael is going to smoke a lid of white rhino after this. Er, I may have got the chronology wrong. #BRITS#HASHTAG
21:56: Wait a second – this is ending? Where’s best British Metal act? Best dubstep? Actually where’s some good British music? #BRITS
22:12: Serious question: Are all of Blur playing the same song as each other? #BRITS
22:15: Fuck me rigid. Who is this donut eating bellend with the blonde hair and the tache? He makes Corden look like Umberto fucking Eco.#BRITS
22:16: Keith Lemon. The man who makes you pine for the overwhelming sensitivity and sincerity of Justin Lee Collins. #BRITS
22:23: I reckon I could drop a tab of low grade LSD and do nothing other than just look at Ed Sheeran’s haircut for seven hours. #BRITS
22:25: Apologies to everyone for the tweet overload. I’m stopping now but this is why we must resist this tidal wave of shit in UK music. #BRITS
