Myths. Myths and misinformation. Myths, misinformation and chaos – oh yes, especially chaos. These are things upon which New York quartet Gay for Johnny Depp thrive. Here is a band unafraid to spin a yarn or cause a ruckus to get their point across. And that point is: a) there is beauty in such chaos and b) almost all bands are unequivocal garbage. Especially the boring ones who tell the truth,
And so the story goes: four friends with history in various bands from the US punk underground form a band based upon extremities at pretty much the exact time that America bombs the middle East – extremities of sound (abrasive, hostile, consistently too loud), of ideologies (we’re all fucked, so let’s go down fucking) and aesthetics (are they or aren’t they gay – and if not, should we be offended by this?). More than anything though their mission so far seems to have been to illuminate the worlds of punk, hardcore and metal as weak, humourless and conservative.
As the decade of dumbing down draws to a close, few bands have willingly dressed up and dumbed down quite as much Gay for Johnny Depp, their career undertaken from behind a smoke-screen of high tales, half-truths and media manipulation. Some things are true – they unofficially hold the record for most curse words heard on Radio 1 when Huw Stevens played album track ‘No Teeth, Thumbs Up’, which featured the word ‘fuck’ thirty times in the first 30 seconds alone. Some are untrue – their sleevenotes and promotional material are not, as they claim, written by an Oxford professor. Many others factors remain unknown. On the eve of a lengthy UK tour The Quietus got guitarist Sid Jagger (real name Elvis Vicious or Joseph Grillo, depending upon your sources) on speakerphone.
Hi Sid / Joseph / whoever
Mmmm.
You’re cultured intelligent men with academic backgrounds. What lead to you forming a band as extreme as Gay For Johnny Depp?
Although lettered and intelligent, personally I have always been drawn to extremes and I don’t think my education or experience in the sexual arts should preclude me from experimenting with the more visceral frequencies. Do you not concur?
So do you think that rock ‘n’ roll is still the best outlet for young men such as yourselves to explore these base tendencies and visceral frequencies? In fact, does the concept of rock ‘n’ roll even have any life left in it?
Frequencies, yes. Tendencies, oh my – there are certainly many other outlets for that…(sighs). Listen, rock is no longer the blank canvas it once was in the 1960s and 70s but there is still beauty in the details – the niche we all carve for ourselves, so to speak.
When your mother’s friend Sheila or the fat man on passport control, or that cute girl with the weird eyes who you buy coffee from asks you what type of music your band play, what do you say?
‘You wouldn’t like it, trust me…. Now get naked’ is my usual response.
The first gigs I ever went to were hardcore ones, aged about 14. Even then there always seemed to be a strong homoerotic – and possibly misogynistic – element to the music and behaviour of its acolytes. Is that what Gay For Johnny Depp are challenging?
It is all an inevitable by product of the band name and overall artistic ethos of the band and less of a political point. (matter of factly). I’ll leave the messages for the essayists, Ben.
Your band has been going for five or six years now. Is it a bit early for an anthology?
Not when you are this band, I don’t think so. Basically if all of our records were still available or in print then it would not be a problem but, alas, we have many fans who have written to me lamenting the fact that they were unable to get all of the 31 tracks we have recorded over the years. So – there it is. Ta-da!
Though a US band you spent more time touring the UK. How come?
It’s a love affair of grand proportions really. To quote Ian Brown, we wanna be adored, and the lovely people of your isles tend to respond in form
Finally – the key question – is anyone in the band gay?
They can find out when I sleep with them.
(Loud indeterminable noise. Phone line goes dead).
The Ski Mask Orgy EP and Manthology: A Tireless Exercise in Narcissism Featuring Gay for Johnny Depp’s Excellent Cadavers are out now. Gay For Johnny Depp were always known for the devotion of their fans. Reprinted below is a missive from Brad, a truly devoted admirer:
Gay For Johnny Depp c/o
‘The Politics Of Cruelty’
Debut album
On Captains Of Industry
Released: November 5, 2007
Dear Johnny Depp,
I hope this finds you well. It’s me, Brad, your greatest fan writing you again to say hello.
Well, it’s been a crazy, crazy few weeks. I guess the big thing is I finally made it out east to New York. Boy, that place sure is insane. The journey there was a trip. It took over two days on Greyhound bus to get there. Sleeping and eating was impossible so the only way to get through it was nibble on a little baggie of meth, listen to bootlegs of your band ‘P’(man, you guys were under-rated – get the band back together, dude!) and jerk off a bunch of times.
Fortunately it turns out that most people who travel on Greyhounds are deviants so I got some help. I jerked off a couple of guys at once in the cubicle, which was a tight squeeze, but we managed and I had them cum on my face and in my ear, and I also got fucked in the ass by a real-life genuine native American Indian who had all this long ratty hair, real gnarly, a little like yours in ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean’, on the back seat at about 5am somewhere near Pensacola. His dick was big, but not too big and I was grateful for the distraction. Also, he never said a word to me, except for when he came he whispered “Krispy Kreme” in my ear, which was weird, but not that weird I guess. I don’t know, maybe it is weird. Or maybe it’s a cultural thing. This being my first trip outside of Lubbock, Texas I couldn’t really say.
So anyway, when I finally arrived in NYC I felt like Dorothy in ‘The Wizard Of Oz’, only instead of Toto I had a bag containing meth, weed and some lube. A quick bit of glory hole dick-sucking in Port Authority (where I tasted my first black cock – a lot like white cock) and I was on my way. I found a bar and got a little drunk on beer. I guess maybe I got spiked or something, because the next thing I remember is waking up in some street with my asshole itchy and bleeding, but with more money in my pocket than I started. Weird, huh? Hey, maybe people in New York aren’t as bad as they say. I sat there smoking a cigarette and the street signs told me I was in Brooklyn. Crazy.
I came to this other bar with posters in the window advertising a band that playing there and they were called – this is so weird – ‘GAY FOR JOHNNY DEPP’!!! It was like a sign from God or something so I paid the $5 fee and went in.
Inside there were all these kids jumping around with no shirts on, and just looking at all those writhing torsos got me so hot I just had to gorge myself on a nice greasy crank, which I did in the toilets. It was attached to some punker kid in a Fallout Boy T-shirt – hot! After he came in mouth he called me a fag and punched me in the face, which was also hot. His cum tasted like Dr. Pepper, so he was probably straight edge. Back in the bar I got a proper look at ‘GAY FOR JOHNNY DEPP’, who were actually four guys with guitars and shit, each of them pretty hot in their own way, though not as hot you, Johnny. Sometimes I can cum just looking pictures of you, Johnny. I don’t even have to touch my dick.
Anyways. The more songs they played, the wilder the crowd got. When the singer guy took off of most of his clothes and jumped into the crowd I tried to get my tongue up his ass but he was too quick for me. They’re a really fierce band though and I’d happily blow them all for free. I guess I’d describe them as ‘hardcore’ and I bought a copy of their debut full-length CD ‘THE POLITICS OF CRUELTY’ on the way out.
Afterwards reeling out into the street, drunk and high, I bumped into a squadron of marines just back from Iraq, who took me back to their YMCA and took turns rimming, fucking and bashing me. At one point two of them tried to get both their dicks in my ass at once, while another skull-fucked me, and I jerked off two more. A sixth guy just stood there, drinking a can of Bud and filming it.
The weird thing was I hadn’t been to the bath-room all day – apart from to suck dick – so a couple of them ended up with all this runny shit on their cocks, which they weren’t pleased about, so they made me lick it off while they made out with each other. I guess this went on for about four hours, until I was covered in bruises and crusted US military jizzum which fell off me like snowflakes when I finally limped out into the dawn light feeling tired but pretty good. After a big breakfast at a Denny’s I had a little more meth, took a cab back to the station, blew the driver in some side-street, had a couple more cocks in the toilets then got on the bus for an uneventful 48 hour trip back, the boredom punctuated only by a few bouts of mutual masturbation with this guy and his son and eating the ass of a truck driver at a station somewhere in Tennessee. I belched cum and asshole all the way home.
I don’t know what happened to that CD I bought.
Anyway, that’s all for now, Johnny. I enclose a pair of my jockeys and some more Polaroid pictures of my dick and spread ass cheeks. Good luck with your next movie. Write me sometime.
Your friend,
Bradley
