The world's finest minds have long debated the great philosophical riddle, 'who put the cunt in Scunthorpe?' Now, we can reveal that cheesing bellend Alex James has answered for all of us, by visiting the McDonald's processing centre in Scunthorpe for what he describes as an "absolutely brilliant" day out. In an article for The Sun David Cameron's fluffer praises McDonald's, one-stop lard shop Greggs the bakers and KFC as he "reveals the secrets behind the speedy specials we can't seem to get enough of."

Describing the McDonald's burger-making plant in Scunthorpe, the former Fat Les bassist writes, "it's the size of five football pitches inside and processes 380,000 cattle a year. All the beef is British or Irish and comes from 17,000 farmers. The overwhelming thing is the stench. When you go to the docks it smells of fish. This was the same but with an overpowering smell of beef — a beefy docks."

He then visits a McDonald's restaurant. "Backstage was brilliant. There's some fantastic gear there and in some ways it's very similar to a Michelin-starred restaurant," he claimed. "When it's busy in a Michelin kitchen, all the chefs are doing is putting pre-prepared parts of a meal together, which is essentially the same as McDonald's."

He went on to defend McDonald's from accusations that it sells processed, health-damaging muck to an increasingly obese British populace. "McDonald's served 90million more people in 2011 than they did in 2010 and after seeing how dazzling the business is I don't think there's anything sinister about that.

"I asked the British Nutrition Foundation (BNF) what their main concerns are about eating McDonald's and fast food in general and they said that it doesn't satisfy your appetite so you eat more. McDonald's is also lacking in fibre and the BNF said it should only be eaten 'occasionally'. They couldn't tell me what 'occasionally' meant, but we all know it means less than once a week. My day with McDonald's didn't put me off eating there at all. I was dazzled by the whole process from farm to factory to burger."

James also had much to praise about Greggs. "Yes, big business can be a bad thing, but only if it's bad," he says, offering a threat to his twee little part of the Cotswolds. "The little bakery in my local village offers goods too sweet and sugary and is massively over-priced. I can think of much worse things than a Greggs opening up there." What will SamCam say about that, you preposterous prick!

He did say, however, that you'd "certainly be mad" to eat at KFC all the time, but there was "nothing wrong" with it as a treat. If it's not revolting enough to see a multi-millionaire posh boy 'farmer' and high-end 'food producer' using a popular mass market tabloid to promote food that is potentially detrimental to the health of its readers, he concluded by simpering "Now I've seen how it works I'm going to try Kentucky Fried grouse at home this weekend."