Calvin Harris has been throwing his toys out of the internet pram after being smacked around the pop noggin by a slew of negative reviews of his new album Ready For The Weekend.

He seems to assume that us music journalists all roll around in baths of cocaine dissolved in Yorkshire tea, all paid for on the parent's account at Coutts. Apologies for the capitalsation in this run through of his insane ranting: "THIS ENTIRE INDUSTRY IS FULL OF RICH PEOPLES KIDS, EVERYWHERE, FUCKING RICH PEOPLES KIDS RICH PEOPLES KIDS". This can be true, but the Quietus is bred from honest stock.

"RICH PEOPLES KIDS GETTING GOOD REVIEWS BECAUSE MUMMY FUCKED THE JOURNO IN THE 80S" This is rarely true. Nobody has sex with music journalists.

"RICH PEOPLE MEAN FUCK ALL TO ME SERIOUSLY. I'M MAKING MUSIC FOR REAL PEOPLE AND REAL PEOPLE DANCE - RICH PEOPLE STAND AT THE BACK" And rattle the jewellery?

"FUCK THE RICH PEOPLES KIDS WITH THEIR JOBS AS RUNNERS ON TV SHOWS OR THEIR 'CLUB NIGHTS' FUCK YOU YOU'VE DONE NOTHING ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL"

Thanfully Harris calmed down a little, whining, somewhat pitifully, "imagine the buzz of making something that you love, and after 2 years you finally have something you can't wait for other people to hear. Then imagine that cd landing on the desk of 'snide rich persons kid' or 'pathetic london scene-FACE' then them skipping through the tracks in their lunch break, and saying "well its calvin harris isn't it? 2 stars, he's a dick head [sic] I'm telling you now that it doesn't feel good."

Calvin Harris can rest assured that Iain Moffat, who will be reviewing Ready For The Weekend for the Quietus, is not the son of rich parents, and hails from the North East.