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I'm No Expert...

A Valentine's Day Letters Special From Uncle Agony Aidan Moffat
Aidan Moffat , February 13th, 2009 04:25

Aidan Moffat might have a new album out this week, but that hasn't prevented him from finding time to pop to the garage for a 99p rose and a lurid pink card, and settling down to fix your Valentine's vexations

Dear Aidan,

I love my boyfriend for his mind. He's a clever sod, who worked his way up from a really bad school and ended up doing politics at Cambridge. He's heavily involved with various left wing political activism, and I admire him for it. However, there's one catch. He sees Valentines Day as a sop to the Capitalist system, Hallmark Cards and Interflora and so on, and refuses to engage with it. Now, although I respect his views deep down all I want is to be taken out for dinner, be given some flowers, and wake up to a nice card and eggs benedict in bed. Am I a class traitor? Do you feel I can bring this up with my boyfriend without risking being exiled to Siberia?


Anna P.

Well, Anna, I must admit that I do tend to agree with your boyfriend here. Valentine’s Day is a lot of shit, and I think it’s ludicrous that people choose to do something ‘romantic’ on one particular day of the year. Besides, romance is a subjective concept and shouldn’t equate simply to tacky cards, flowers and candle-lit meals. May I suggest that you be a little more imaginative with your Valentine’s requests? Maybe something a little more specific to your relationship? Perhaps your boyfriend will be happy to oblige your desires if they don’t involve the usual clichés and perhaps you could also suggest that, rather than a Valentine’s Day surprise, he simply gives you a surprise on any other day of his choosing. This seems like a fair compromise to me, not to mention that it will be ultimately far more romantic than all that roses and love-hearts bullshit. Plus, you could always offer him a blow-job in return. I’m sure that would encourage him.


I am currently shagging two girls and I am worried that they both have expectations when it comes to Valentines Day and I don't know how to handle it. Do I face up to the situation that I've got myself in and use the opportunity to end it with both of them, or is that cruel? I could of course compound the deceit by getting two cards and trying to please them both. What do you advise?

cheers mate,

David S.

It’s very, very difficult to muster sympathy for a greedy bugger such as yourself, so I may not be the best person to ask. Plus, I’m not getting the impression that you have any especial emotions towards either of these unfortunate ladies who have fallen under your inexplicable spell. In fact, it seems to me that your only real concern is how this will affect you. What are you, Alfie or something? My advice is to stop messing about with human emotions and come clean to both of them, and if one of them is foolish enough to forgive you then you’ve won a fucking coconut. Albeit a fairly stupid one. At least have the courtesy to provide these poor girls with a few fantastic orgasms before you reveal your true self… or how about this? Buy two identical cards and write their names and your message inside, put them in unmarked envelopes and then shuffle the two cards so you don’t know which is which. Then write the addresses on them and post them and see what happens – maybe they get the right ones, maybe they don’t. Leave it to Henry J. Fate to decide! (Please note: this is not good advice at all.)

Dear Aidan,

I'm a recently single man and want some advice for Valentine's Day. I can't help but feel a great knot of despair in my stomach when, on February 14th, I see hordes of businessmen flocking home to their wives clutching bunches of flowers in the vain hope that, on that one night of the year, they might get to knock on the back door. Yet I suspect this is purely jealousy on my part; I wish I had someone with whom to share that day. Every year I get really depressed and end up getting pissed on my own. I'm not sure if you've ever been single on Valentine's Day, but could you recommend some way of dealing with it that doesn't a) destroy my liver and b) make me turn into a badly-penned Morrissey lyric,

thank you,

Peter Z

Yes, Peter, I’ve spent many a Valentine’s Day on my own but as I said above, I think it’s a lot of shit anyway. There are many things you could do to take your mind off your unfortunate romantic status but I must say that most of my immediate suggestions would involve the aforementioned destruction of your liver (and incidentally, I think all Morrissey lyrics can be considered badly-penned). So let’s see… you could go to the cinema on your own, treat yourself to a meal for one at a fancy restaurant and go for a cocktail afterwards, go for a walk in the park, go out dancing… maybe not. I think you’ll have to face the uncomfortable truth that your only real option is to get a carry-out and get pissed on your own again in your cold and squalid little bedroom with the huge, empty, unmade bed taunting you all night long. You should listen to the Sam & Dave song Just Me on repeat and take a swig of your MD 20/20 every time you hear the heart-breaking tremelo guitar. That’s what I used to do, but not necessarily on February 14th. Alternatively, content yourself in the knowledge that Valentine’s Day is a scam and that if you did have a girlfriend, then – unlike the ‘hordes of businessmen flocking home to their wives’ – you would treat her this way every day of the year without any need of encouragement. Or at least for the first couple of months, anyway. And remember, there’s always prostitutes, although they might be quite pricey for a ‘knock on the back door’.

To have your problems answered by Aidan Moffat, just email them to Aidan's new album How To Get To Heaven From Scotland is out from Monday, visit his website for more information. Read The Quietus review here