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Uncle Agony Aidan Moffat Returns To Mend Your Wounded Hearts & Privates
Aidan Moffat , January 9th, 2009 08:05

New Year is traditionally a time for relationship strife and itches in the nethers from unfortunate encounters after December's office party season. Thank goodness Aidan Moffat is back to sort you all out

To have Aidan put you out of your pickle or predicament, just email him at

Dear Aidan,

I've just started studying at university and am living in Halls of Residence. There's another student on my corridor who, every time she brings someone home after a night out (which, I am afraid to say, is quite often) she climaxes she screams "Grandma! Grandma!" This has really started to disturb me - do you think I ought to have a word with her?


Peter N.

Peter, I think you have to face your demons. It appears that the lady in question is a very open-minded, free-thinking individual whose morality is not to be dictated by society’s outdated sexual politics. Therefore I suggest that you insinuate your way into her affections by any means necessary and join the less-than-exclusive Grandma Group. And then write back and tell me all about it.

Dear Aidan,

I recently read an interview in the Guardian where Jarvis Cocker said that having lots of sex won't make you happy. As a callow indie youth, Jarvis was a man whom I looked to for guidance on affairs of the heart. I now find similar solace in your work, over the years. Is Jarvis right? Am I wrong to seek contentment in sex? I just don't feel the urge to settle down yet.

thanks Aidan,

Matt J

I think Mr. Cocker is speaking from a mature and informed point of view, as he no doubt at some point during his long and illustrious career must have very nearly shagged his cock out of its socket. We all go through such a phase, but as the mind matures it finds greater comfort in simpler pleasures – green tea, a good book, Coronation Street – and the importance of sex naturally diminishes. Which isn’t to say a healthy sex life isn’t essential to a good relationship, rather that a good relationship is preferable to a healthy sex life. But you’ve answered your own question: you’re just not ready for a life of commitment. As long as you're under 35, that’s okay – if you’re over this age, start to panic now.

Dear Aidan,

I have recently met a girl with whom I have fallen massively in love very quickly. When we kiss, it feels like nothing else before. She loves me, and tells me so. We have beautiful walks together, and talk and laugh like i have done with nothing else before. But she wants to wait until we've really got to know each other before we make the relationship physical. I think I love her enough to keep on the straight and narrow, but could do with some advice as to how to make sure of this - and to what I can do in the meantime to keep my raging horn under lock and key,


Derek M

Wow, Derek, do people still do this? I don’t know if I’m impressed or appalled. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that you’re into each other and enjoy each other’s company and that the relationship isn’t based on sordid, degrading, filthy acts in seedy hotel rooms after a night of serious drinking – but what happens if you have a crap shag? The problem you now have is a heightened sense of anticipation– but what if the sex is utterly pedestrian and leaves you cold? This may sound hard, but how do you know you truly love someone if you’ve never had a sexual relationship with them? Because sex is just as important as beautiful walks and holding hands and daisies in her hair and all that twaddle – if it turns out that you’re not physically compatible, then no amount of romance will keep you together. And remember this applies to her too, so I think it’s something you should both discuss further. Alternatively, stop talking and start cocking. In the meantime, in lieu of such activity, I highly recommend masturbation.

If the above has dislodged some burning issue (in whichever sense you choose to take it) that you'd like to have resolved, email Aidan about the problem via Read Aidan Moffat's previous I'm No Expert columns via the links on the right.

Aidan Moffat's has a new album out on Valentine's Day in his Aidan Moffat And The Best-Ofs guise. It is called How To Get To Heaven From Scotland, comes in sumptuous packaging, and is very bloody good indeed. For more information about How To Get To Heaven From Scotland and what Aidan Moffat is up to, visit his website.