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Film Reviews

Cinematic Santas - The Least Convincing And Naughtiest Santas on Film
The Quietus , December 18th, 2008 09:51

In the spirit of humbuggery, The Quietus looks at some of the worst excuses for Santa ever to disgrace the silver screen, and provides Top Trumps-style stats on their performance. Whether they're slightly implausible or just plain evil, this bunch is a disgrace to the ruddy uniform.


The Hebrew Hammer - Anti-Semite Santa
Andy Dick, the intoxicated comedian, stars as Santa's evil son Damian in this, the world's first-ever 'Jewsploitation' movie. After brutally murdering his father and assuming the role and the traditional red hat, Damian Claus and Tiny Tim (yes, although, why? Who cares!) plot to destroy Chanukah ("But it's not even one of the High Holidays!") in order that everyone all over the world will instead celebrate Christmas ... by taking out something called the Jewish Atomic Clock, which powers ... something or other. I forget. This film is big on many Jewish jokes that you will have heard before - some funny, others less so - and at least one that you probably haven't ("Shabbat shalom, motherfuckers!"). Completely lacking in story or sense, this movie is very silly and, as much as I fucking hate the snivelling vermin Andy Dick, his coked-up performance as Evil Santa is quite funny here.

Jewfunk: 7/10 - not as good as Chromeo

Use of XP-2000 Stereotype Alarm System at Santa's North Pole compound: 3/10 - "Triggered by any non-WASP tendencies within the building," like when Mordechai stoops to pick up some small change he's dropped

Topicality: 9/10 - "It's not a Christmas tree - it's a Chanukah bush."