The Quietus - A new rock music and pop culture website

Film Reviews

Cinematic Santas - The Least Convincing And Naughtiest Santas on Film
The Quietus , December 18th, 2008 09:51

In the spirit of humbuggery, The Quietus looks at some of the worst excuses for Santa ever to disgrace the silver screen, and provides Top Trumps-style stats on their performance. Whether they're slightly implausible or just plain evil, this bunch is a disgrace to the ruddy uniform.

"'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house / Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse..." Wait, though, who's that straggly bearded old scrot with vomit down his front, licking his cracked lips with a tongue the colour of mustard as he struggles to get his corpulent form down your chimney in search of a bottle of sherry? No, we don't mean The Quietus' editor. Cinema has thrown up a curious array of Father Christmases over the years, but there's been a common thread running through the Saint Nicholas' of cinema and televion. Writers have, ahem, polarised their Fathers Christmas between the jolly old cove who's as saccharine as the Coca Cola advertising that inspired his modern incarnation, and a trangsressive, subversive old creep. The Quietus, naturally, heaves its sack alongside the second crop, and decided to honour our bearded brethren as their fart, curse, drink, smoke, grumple and grope their way from Lapland into the bedrooms of your broods. Click the image below to see the wrongest Santas cinema has to offer.