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Alex James Greases Up To Fast Food Giants
Luke Turner , January 18th, 2012 06:57

Twat praises chains in The Sun

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The world's finest minds have long debated the great philosophical riddle, 'who put the cunt in Scunthorpe?' Now, we can reveal that cheesing bellend Alex James has answered for all of us, by visiting the McDonald's processing centre in Scunthorpe for what he describes as an "absolutely brilliant" day out. In an article for The Sun David Cameron's fluffer praises McDonald's, one-stop lard shop Greggs the bakers and KFC as he "reveals the secrets behind the speedy specials we can't seem to get enough of."

Describing the McDonald's burger-making plant in Scunthorpe, the former Fat Les bassist writes, "it's the size of five football pitches inside and processes 380,000 cattle a year. All the beef is British or Irish and comes from 17,000 farmers. The overwhelming thing is the stench. When you go to the docks it smells of fish. This was the same but with an overpowering smell of beef — a beefy docks."

He then visits a McDonald's restaurant. "Backstage was brilliant. There's some fantastic gear there and in some ways it's very similar to a Michelin-starred restaurant," he claimed. "When it's busy in a Michelin kitchen, all the chefs are doing is putting pre-prepared parts of a meal together, which is essentially the same as McDonald's."

He went on to defend McDonald's from accusations that it sells processed, health-damaging muck to an increasingly obese British populace. "McDonald's served 90million more people in 2011 than they did in 2010 and after seeing how dazzling the business is I don't think there's anything sinister about that.

"I asked the British Nutrition Foundation (BNF) what their main concerns are about eating McDonald's and fast food in general and they said that it doesn't satisfy your appetite so you eat more. McDonald's is also lacking in fibre and the BNF said it should only be eaten 'occasionally'. They couldn't tell me what 'occasionally' meant, but we all know it means less than once a week. My day with McDonald's didn't put me off eating there at all. I was dazzled by the whole process from farm to factory to burger."

James also had much to praise about Greggs. "Yes, big business can be a bad thing, but only if it's bad," he says, offering a threat to his twee little part of the Cotswolds. "The little bakery in my local village offers goods too sweet and sugary and is massively over-priced. I can think of much worse things than a Greggs opening up there." What will SamCam say about that, you preposterous prick!

He did say, however, that you'd "certainly be mad" to eat at KFC all the time, but there was "nothing wrong" with it as a treat. If it's not revolting enough to see a multi-millionaire posh boy 'farmer' and high-end 'food producer' using a popular mass market tabloid to promote food that is potentially detrimental to the health of its readers, he concluded by simpering "Now I've seen how it works I'm going to try Kentucky Fried grouse at home this weekend."

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Jan 18, 2012 12:04pm

What the shitting fuck? I didn't think he could possibly sink any lower.

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Jan 18, 2012 12:08pm

Kentucky Fried Swan surely, Alex?

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Delia Sparrow
Jan 18, 2012 12:15pm

what an utter overpaid deluded fuckhead supreme - how many weeks of eating only KFC, MCDs and Greggs do you think it would take to kill him off?

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Luke Turner
Jan 18, 2012 12:24pm

In reply to Delia Sparrow:

"deluded fuckhead supreme" *applauds*

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Jan 18, 2012 12:25pm

I would literally eat Kentucky Fried Alex James and I'm not even joking.

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God's mum
Jan 18, 2012 12:58pm

What's that he said? Blessed are the cheesemakers?

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Jan 18, 2012 1:03pm

F*ckng mainstream twat! Him and his brain cell should join STEPS

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Jan 18, 2012 1:05pm

I'm shocked that people thought he still had any credibility left to lose.


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Jan 18, 2012 1:16pm

What a flipping pillock. Could this by any chance be related: ?

This + Cameron's "make more commercial films" horseshit = two failed 'Big Society' drives from November 2010 revived in a week.

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c jacobs
Jan 18, 2012 1:19pm

What a tool! Or in a little more depth:

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Jan 18, 2012 1:26pm

Oh for fuck's sake. Stop ruining Blur for us you wrong-headed twat.

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Jan 18, 2012 1:29pm

I've spent an awful lot of time defending Blur (as a band, mind) since the early-mid 90s. News like this makes me want to get all my beloved albums and throw them in the bin though.

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Stevie Caldwell
Jan 18, 2012 1:44pm

Utter wanker !

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Fenton Bussy
Jan 18, 2012 2:19pm

What a complete cunt his is. Sucking up to the food giants in a poorly written article and then having it published in the worst fucking, soul destroying, phone hacking cunt newspaper. Fucking CUNT! I have such contempt for that cunt I'd love to see him gang raped by a pack of Mandrills!

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Bald Mark
Jan 18, 2012 3:56pm


He was already in the Top 5 of me 'Jamie-Oliver-And People-I'd-Like-To-Hurt-Almost-As-Much List' but he just went up a place.... Have to say though that the Scunthorpe teaser's the question of the year so far for me!

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uncle d
Jan 18, 2012 4:14pm

not sure what makes want to throw up more the music of blur, the members of blur, people who like blur or people who eat mcdonalds, probably just people in general if I'm being honest...

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Jan 18, 2012 6:53pm

Any bell-end can produce cheese.

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Jan 18, 2012 7:43pm

Hang on, why the outrage? Mainstream, multinational pop star likes mainstream multinational food giants? If he was genuinely of any counter cultural integrity, this would be a story, but he's simply a musical Big Mac anyway.

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Jan 18, 2012 10:53pm

Anyone have any advice on how I can permanently expunge the phrase 'beefy docks' from my brain?

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Jan 19, 2012 8:19am


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Dan B
Jan 19, 2012 10:20am

I fucking blame the music press for being 'oh ha ha, funny foppish bassist' in the 90s, you fucking ENCOURAGED this, he is your spiritual king, you DEMANDED this. He was a cracking bassist in a decent band but that's where it ended. I'm not calling up fucking Stove from Mansun to ask what he thinks of the sodding Euro, am I? CUNTS ALL AROUND.

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Jan 19, 2012 1:27pm

Big deal, I'm tucking into a family bucket and a Big Mac now and I feel GREAT

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Jan 19, 2012 3:06pm

In reply to Dan B:

hello is that Stove?

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Jan 19, 2012 3:06pm

In reply to Lalalalalala:

it's not how your colon will feel if you make it to 40 you prick.

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Jan 19, 2012 11:40pm

I made a video about this bum chestnut...

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Jan 20, 2012 8:58am

Alex James is a large potato.

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Jan 20, 2012 11:19am

How have we allowed this ginormous fucking tagnut to be so prominent in our national consciousness ? There needs to be a word thats way beyond Cunt invented, just for him.

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Jan 20, 2012 8:09pm

Oh dear oh dear! Alex James has offended the sensibilities of you posh middle class boys and girls who see McDonalds and the like as hell spawn! Good on him! Fuck you and your organic shite!!!

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Jan 23, 2012 9:58pm

In reply to :

I like 'cunt muscle'

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Sep 28, 2012 3:11am

In the documentary, 'Home Is Where The Heart Is', James informs homeless lad Danny that he is 'fucking busy', since the hapless lad is clearly unaware of the demands being an intergalactic fucksplat and arseclown places on the time-poor former Blur 'musician'.

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fiona Campbell
Jun 18, 2015 4:48pm

Hi, nice photo. Lifted from my blog I believe. Grateful if you could remove or contact me re. payment. very best Fiona

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Geordie Joe
Jul 5, 2015 10:13am

In reply to fiona Campbell:

Deeply sorry about the unauthorised use of your luvverley photo of fucktwat Alex James.

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cubic heights
Dec 14, 2015 7:42pm

nice job alex. always love your work. i think the underclasses food is quite delicious too!

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