Fat handed rock lummoxes Oasis have finally been put out of our misery after splitting up yesterday (Friday).

The band, responsible for one good album, one alright album and a lot of cunting misery on top of that have split up five times before due to constant squabbling between the band's chief song writer Noel and genetically 'curious' singer, Liam.

The statement was made on the band's official website. Noel said: "It's with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight.

"People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer.

"Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan," he added.

Earlier it was announced the band had cancelled their second gig in the space of a week because of "an altercation within the band". Rumours at the time of publication that the brothers had fallen out after a heated debate about Jacques Derrida and the death of the author with Noel subscribing to a hard line Plato/logocentric position with Liam unable to convince him of the need to consider "fookin' Roland Barthes" remain unconfirmed.

They had been expected to play the Rock en Seine festival in Paris, but fans at the concert were told by the support band that Oasis would not be performing.

Many of the crowd thought it was a joke - until screens at either side of the stage showed the message "as a result of an altercation within the band, the Oasis gig has been cancelled".

The mood in the Quietus office is obviously a sombre one of grief and reflection:

As a mark of respect John and Luke will be walking round all weekend in leisure wear like they've just shat an anvil.