Never Mind The Mercury Prize: Here's The Quietus' Jovian Bow Shock Award
, July 21st, 2009 08:48
It took a pot of tea to come up with a better list than the Mercury Prize. Who'll be taken out for a pizza come September?
The powers that be will have you believe that The Mercury Prize, formerly called the Mercury Music Prize, formerly known as the Cif Lemon Mercury Music Prize and currently known as the Mmmm! Danone! Mercury Prize for sponsorship reasons, is an annual music prize awarded for the best album from the United Kingdom or Ireland. It was set-up by the British Phonographic Industry and British Association of Record Dealers in 1992 as an alternative to the industry-dominated Brit Awards. But in a scientific experiment we decided that it would take us in the office (John Doran, Luke Turner and Kev Kharas) literally 40 minutes and a pot of tea to come up with a much better list. Lo and behold, this is exactly what we have done with a minimum amount of box ticking, bung chucking, misjudged diversity sensitivity and (in the case of Florence and the Machine) utter fucking wrongness.
Anyway, here it is: the album shortlist for The Quietus Jovian Bow Shock Prize in association with Il Bacio Express Pizzas on Stoke Newington Church Street. The rules are pretty much the same as with the Mercury Prize except we've chosen good albums. When we decide who the winner is, we'll take them out for a pizza. We can highly recommend the Franos which has artichoke, goat's cheese and slices of roast potatoes on it.
As rumours reach us from multiple sources that several judges were amazed to see Lily Allen's It's Not Me It's You not reach the final twelve, given that most people seemed to be in agreement about its worthiness, we have to ask, what exactly is the point of this prize?
Seriously, awards: either do them properly or fuck off.
The Horrors - Primary Colours
(XL) Like a hairspray pimped, back-combed phoenix rising from some 4am cigarette ash, The Horrors are our favourite comeback story since that dead French guy winked his way into the bestseller lists.
Various Productions - The Invisible Lodger
(Fire) Biblious poet, friend to the landlord and lending library, opens his pocketbooks of gloom to accompany mysterious musos Various Productions. If Mitchell and pals win, the Quietus will nominate him as our own Poet Laureate, though sadly our sherry budget only stretches to VP.
Teeth Of The Sea - Orphaned By The Ocean
(Rocket) Avast, ahoy, and shiver me timbers, salty seamen Teeth Of The Sea have spliced rock's mainbrace and keel-hauled psych prog in the process...
Manic Street Preachers - Journal For Plague Lovers
(Sony) Triumverate of middle-aged Welshmen with mild OCD cleaning disorders return with phenomenal rock record.
Micachu & The Shapes - Jewellery
(Rough Trade) In the dystopian future cityscape, all bands will have to be as physically compact as Micachu & The Shapes. But will they be as good?
Zomby - Where Were You In '92
(Werk Discs) If at any point between '87 and '92 you found yourself dancing like a goon to a car alarm on your way home from a nightclub, or if at any point between 2005 and the current year, you have been belting fat slugs of brown pounder designed to knock out horses up your hooter, then you will love this album.
Simon Bookish - Everything / Everything
(Tomlab) Librarian by day, avant-pop master by night, Simon Bookish scored saxophone, harp and Hammond and lyrics exploring linguistics and sub atomic particle accelerators.
That Fucking Tank - Tanknology
(Gringo) Remember that time when you drank your dad's bottle of Bells whisky, pissed on the Ottoman and had a game of cricket indoors? This album is like that.
Pet Shop Boys - Yes
(EMI) Delightful duo finally nail consistent album with the assistance of Xenomania producers, who clearly need something to do now that Girls Aloud have gone rubbish.
Actress - Hazyville
Actress dreams of rave melismas misfiring round the brain that dub sent wrong, Hazyville heaven-bent, fucked and wobblier than Brooke Shields' bottom lip.
PJ Harvey & John Parish - A Woman A Man Walked By
(Universal / Island)
Beauteous West Country siren writes hilarious song about Nick Cave's bald spot. And the rest of the album is pretty good too.
Benge - Twenty Systems
(Expanding Records) Ben Edwards looks like the mad chap with the gas canister out of No Country For Old Men but he rocks a mean synthesiser collection. The Quietus became tumescent when we viewed it.