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Never Mind The Mercury Prize: Here's The Quietus' Jovian Bow Shock Award
The Quietus , July 21st, 2009 08:48

It took a pot of tea to come up with a better list than the Mercury Prize. Who'll be taken out for a pizza come September?

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The powers that be will have you believe that The Mercury Prize, formerly called the Mercury Music Prize, formerly known as the Cif Lemon Mercury Music Prize and currently known as the Mmmm! Danone! Mercury Prize for sponsorship reasons, is an annual music prize awarded for the best album from the United Kingdom or Ireland. It was set-up by the British Phonographic Industry and British Association of Record Dealers in 1992 as an alternative to the industry-dominated Brit Awards. But in a scientific experiment we decided that it would take us in the office (John Doran, Luke Turner and Kev Kharas) literally 40 minutes and a pot of tea to come up with a much better list. Lo and behold, this is exactly what we have done with a minimum amount of box ticking, bung chucking, misjudged diversity sensitivity and (in the case of Florence and the Machine) utter fucking wrongness.

Anyway, here it is: the album shortlist for The Quietus Jovian Bow Shock Prize in association with Il Bacio Express Pizzas on Stoke Newington Church Street. The rules are pretty much the same as with the Mercury Prize except we've chosen good albums. When we decide who the winner is, we'll take them out for a pizza. We can highly recommend the Franos which has artichoke, goat's cheese and slices of roast potatoes on it.

As rumours reach us from multiple sources that several judges were amazed to see Lily Allen's It's Not Me It's You not reach the final twelve, given that most people seemed to be in agreement about its worthiness, we have to ask, what exactly is the point of this prize?

Seriously, awards: either do them properly or fuck off.

The Horrors - Primary Colours

(XL) Like a hairspray pimped, back-combed phoenix rising from some 4am cigarette ash, The Horrors are our favourite comeback story since that dead French guy winked his way into the bestseller lists.

Read The Quietus' review of The Horrors' Primary Colours

Various Productions - The Invisible Lodger

(Fire) Biblious poet, friend to the landlord and lending library, opens his pocketbooks of gloom to accompany mysterious musos Various Productions. If Mitchell and pals win, the Quietus will nominate him as our own Poet Laureate, though sadly our sherry budget only stretches to VP.

Read the Quietus review of The Invisible Lodger

Teeth Of The Sea - Orphaned By The Ocean

(Rocket) Avast, ahoy, and shiver me timbers, salty seamen Teeth Of The Sea have spliced rock's mainbrace and keel-hauled psych prog in the process...

Read The Quietus review of Orphaned By The Ocean

Manic Street Preachers - Journal For Plague Lovers

(Sony) Triumverate of middle-aged Welshmen with mild OCD cleaning disorders return with phenomenal rock record.

Read The Quietus review of Mancic Street Preachers' Journal For Plague Lovers

Micachu & The Shapes - Jewellery

(Rough Trade) In the dystopian future cityscape, all bands will have to be as physically compact as Micachu & The Shapes. But will they be as good?

Read The Quietus' review of Micachu & The Shapes' Jewellery

Zomby - Where Were You In '92

(Werk Discs) If at any point between '87 and '92 you found yourself dancing like a goon to a car alarm on your way home from a nightclub, or if at any point between 2005 and the current year, you have been belting fat slugs of brown pounder designed to knock out horses up your hooter, then you will love this album.

Read The Quietus' review of Zomby's Where Were You In '92

Simon Bookish - Everything / Everything

(Tomlab) Librarian by day, avant-pop master by night, Simon Bookish scored saxophone, harp and Hammond and lyrics exploring linguistics and sub atomic particle accelerators.

Read The Quietus' review of Everything / Everything

That Fucking Tank - Tanknology

(Gringo) Remember that time when you drank your dad's bottle of Bells whisky, pissed on the Ottoman and had a game of cricket indoors? This album is like that.

Read The Quietus' review of That Fucking Tank's Tanknology

Pet Shop Boys - Yes

(EMI) Delightful duo finally nail consistent album with the assistance of Xenomania producers, who clearly need something to do now that Girls Aloud have gone rubbish.

Read The Quietus' review of Pet Shop Boys' Yes

Actress - Hazyville

(Werk Discs) Actress dreams of rave melismas misfiring round the brain that dub sent wrong, Hazyville heaven-bent, fucked and wobblier than Brooke Shields' bottom lip.

PJ Harvey & John Parish - A Woman A Man Walked By

(Universal / Island) Beauteous West Country siren writes hilarious song about Nick Cave's bald spot. And the rest of the album is pretty good too.

Read The Quietus' review of PJ Harvey & John Parish's A Woman A Man Walked By

Benge - Twenty Systems

(Expanding Records) Ben Edwards looks like the mad chap with the gas canister out of No Country For Old Men but he rocks a mean synthesiser collection. The Quietus became tumescent when we viewed it.

Read The Quietus review of Benge's Twenty Systems

Listen to a Spotify Playlist of the Quietus' Jovian Bow Shock Award artists

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Rob W
Jul 21, 2009 1:54pm

I fully endorse Il Bacio. Lovely little place. Teeth of the Sea album excellent, but disappointed no place for BSP's soundtrack for 'Man of Aran' or Camera Obscura.

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Nick N
Jul 21, 2009 2:27pm

A fine list, but didn't the Zomby album come out in '08?

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Kevin Kharas
Jul 21, 2009 3:18pm

In reply to Nick N:

Yeah, it was - October last year. The Mercury Prize takes into consideration albums releaesd from July '08 til last week '09, so it's a fit.

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Luke Turner
Jul 21, 2009 5:31pm

In reply to Rob W:

Man Of Aran is one of my albums of the year - it stands out in its own right as an album, but technically is just a soundtrack.

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Tim Russell
Jul 22, 2009 9:58am

Much better than the real list. Florence & the fucking Machine? Jesus. Hats off to you for including the PSBs album. I'd also add Camera Obscura & Jarvis Cocker.

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The Schnack
Jul 22, 2009 10:08am

I've said it elsewhere but I'll repeat it here, I will close my record label down if that gobshite La Roux wins.

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bar har
Jul 22, 2009 11:27am

excellent educational list. who knows, the Horrors might win the both. in the spirit of pedantic and pointless additions, how about Belbury Poly 'From an Ancient Star'? or for obscurants Reigns 'The House on the Causeway'. and as for dining, Rasa (original rather than travancore) preceded or ensued by a Shillelagh tipple makes for a fine pairing. followed by a cemetery excursion for the Horrors.

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Tim Rowe
Jul 23, 2009 1:27pm

Chalk up another for the Teeth Of The Sea album here, superb album.

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AP Childs
Jul 29, 2009 10:13am

yes thanks. and have you send this list to Frith with a note to tell him to stick it up his baldy pipe and smoke it.
what tea do you chaps take - Yorkshire?

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John Doran
Jul 29, 2009 1:11pm

Always Yorkshire. Brewed until it is the colour of the Humber or the mahogany pools of water that collect on the peaty moors of the Isle of Jura.

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Ted Grant
Aug 5, 2009 11:45pm

Was a bit disappointed with the Teeth of the Sea album in the end. Their best tracks are dewfinitely the ones on their MySpace. I fell for it hook, line and, well ya know. Yeah, bit samey ultimately. I'm just not cutting edge. Which is why my suggestion would be the overlooked gem by Dan Michaelson and the Coastguards - although pretty sure this site gave a glowing review. And the Broken Family Band of course.

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Liam Mckie
Aug 7, 2009 5:35pm

In reply to The Schnack :

In La Roux's album never have I heard music that would work better as an album of instrumentals.

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