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Uncle Agony Aidan Moffat: Anonymous Clinic For Awkward Itches
Aidan Moffat , May 8th, 2009 03:42

All ye broken of heart and restless of loin fear not, for Aidan Moffat returns with his latest wisdom-packed column of sex advice

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Dear Aidan,

I know as a man I am biologically prone to post-coital drowsiness, yet I strive to be the kind of man who will whisper sweet nothings in my lover's ear as we drift off together. Yet I struggle. What is a polite amount of time that I should to try to stay awake for?

cheers,

J. Dobson

I can honestly say I've never had this problem myself, J - I usually lie awake for ages until the lucky girl has fallen asleep and then get up and make a sandwich and a cup of tea and watch the telly. Am I the exception to the supposed rule, or is the idea of immediate post-coital deep sleep for men a myth? Only science can answer that, but the truth might be that you and many, many other men are just fucking lazy. All I can suggest for now is that if you genuinely want to stay awake for a cuddle but can't manage it, just tell your girlfriend all about it. Then, when you fall asleep, at least she'll know that you'd rather be loving her – and it's the thought that counts. Although you do realise that a lot of women tend to fall asleep after sex too, yes? Which means as well as being lazy and a big softy, you may also be crap in bed. Just saying.

Dear Aidan,

As a woman, can I reconcile being both a feminist and a masochist? It bothers me that I call myself a feminist, yet have rape fantasies, I can't stop being a feminist and I'm pretty sure i can't stop my distinctly unfeminist fantasies but does it really matter what goes on in the privacy of my own head in the dead of night? And what about putting fantasies into action, I definitely could stop requesting boys slap me about, but I'm not sure I want to?

thanks

S. Clark

Crikey. I'm no psychologist (obviously), but I don't see how you liking a bit of the rough stuff in bed should affect your views on the right to social, sexual, political and economic equality for women everywhere. Now, I'm not saying that the two aren't connected – it doesn't take Freud to see that your feminist views have informed your sexual subconscious in some way – but I really don't think that there's any need to worry about reconciliation. We are often erotically charged by things that would normally repulse us. Just the other day, I found myself looking at a clip of Gwyneth Paltrow fondling her breast on the internet, and I hate Gwyneth Paltrow… yet still I found the footage oddly alluring. Interestingly, I have only ever (briefly) been with one girl who asked me to slap her, and she considered herself quite the feminist too. It wasn't you, was it? I must confess that I wasn't particularly adept at the aforementioned rough stuff and it made me feel quite uncomfortable, so be sure and discuss this with any potential boyfriends first. Some of us are quite delicate, you know, and I think I can confidently say that most men don't want to hit their lovers at all.

Dear Aidan,

I am three months pregnant, and have discovered that the raging hormones have made me really horny all the time. The trouble is, my boyfriend no longer seems interested, and I'm getting worried about this. Do you think it's my new body that's putting him off? Perhaps he's finding it weird to have sex with me with a baby inside? As a father, could you give a frustrated girl some insight into what's going on in his head?

thanks Aidan,

D. Bean

Well, D, if he's anything like me then I can guarantee that it's nothing to do with the changing shape of your body. Pregnant women are gorgeous, and I suspect that he may find you even more attractive than usual. You're right about the other reason though – the thought of sex with your partner while your baby lies in the womb can be quite a barrier for us men. It's a simple case of body geography and some men feel uncomfortable with the idea of their erect penis being so close to their unborn child. You just have to assure him that Mother Nature has taken care of this obstacle for you – your baby is safely tucked away and sealed off in its amniotic sac and there's absolutely no reason that you can't lead a normal sex life during your pregnancy. When you start the antenatal classes, your midwife will explain it all much better than I can, and remember she's there to help so feel free to ask her all about it. If your baby is overdue, she'll even encourage you to have sex because the chemicals in semen can trigger labour at this point in your pregnancy – but only then and not before. As I said, Mother Nature's got it all worked out, so start humping! Congratulations, by the way.

Dear Aidan,

I'm 32 and, due to losing my job in the credit crunch, have been forced to move back in with my parents. They're very understanding and liberal, and I wouldn't mind me bringing ladies back of a night, though I wouldn't be bringing back one night stands. The trouble is, I'm really worried that I wouldn't be able to perform knowing that my parents are upstairs, and that my collection of Star Wars toys is in the cupboard behind the bed - the very same bed where I had my first wet dream, my first wank, and so on. How can I manage to focus on the task in hand? thanks Aidan,

James N.

I think your best bet is to go online and join as many Star Wars forums and message boards as you can, and try to meet girls that way. Take this negative and turn it into a positive, as it were. This may seem silly until I offer you these four words: Princess Leia, Slave Outfit. On the other hand, I didn’t move out of my parents’ home until I was twenty four and it never put me off – grow some fucking nuts.

Read more Aidan Moffat sex advice. To find out what Aidan Moffat gets up to when he's not an Uncle Agony visit his website. And if you've a problem that you'd like Aidan to sort out, email him via aidan@thequietus.com

Andrew McCall
Dec 5, 2010 3:54am

Excellent.

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