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Pope's Easter Message: New SunnO))) Will Rinse It
John Doran , April 14th, 2009 03:55

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Inspired by last month's endorsement by celebrity catholic Tony Blair, Pope Jugend II punctuated his Easter sermon to the faithful by raising a doom ridden claw as if he were holding aloft a very heavy, invisible brass skull.

During his speech which touched on the global recession, instability in the Middle East and the recent earthquake just north of Rome, he suddenly stopped and emitted a blood curdling scream that sounded like the tyre off a monster truck with a slow puncture: "Aiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!"

He continued: "Let thee grimm emanations of Ath'shoggoth become trapped in thee gyre of sunless seas. Let me plunge screaming into Nihil's gizzard. The new SunnO))) album will rinse it. You better believe it. Who else is going to release the extreme metal album of the year? Gorgoroth? Don't make me fucking laugh."

His holiness then proceded to do a "troll-like" dance while incanting the words: "Woooooo. I'm in Gorgoroth. I'm terrifying. Woooooo. Where's my make up? I'm in Gorgoroth."

He then announced he would have to cut it short as he didn't want to miss Dr Who. He said: "Michelle Ryan, eh?" And made what looked like a double claw with his hands.

The entire incident has thrown the Catholic Church into disarray, with the Africans, who are still waiting for the second coming of Stryper, threatening to break away and form their own church if the Pope continues to support what they consider to be boutique indie music for art fags and ballet dancers.

Have you seen any celebrities raising the claw in anticipation of the new SunnO))) album? Send the pictures to us at info@thequietus.com

The Schnack
Apr 15, 2009 3:32pm

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

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