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Uncle Agony Aidan Moffat: May Your Endings Always Be Happy
Aidan Moffat , March 13th, 2009 08:18

As spring arrives and minds turn to lust, the pigeons in the trees around Quietus HQ struggle to fornicate so heavily are they laden with letters for delivery to our resident sex columnist Aidan Moffat...

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Dear Aidan,

I'm an attractive girl in my mid twenties. Sometimes when I'm suffering from PMT I find myself attracted to really ugly men. Thing is, I'd be genuinely happy to act on some of these impulses, but a few days later the same people repulse me. Am I totally at the mercy of my hormones?

thanks Aidan,

Alice N.

First of all Alice, I think this letter should be passed on to someone of a more scientific persuasion than I, for there are many studies out there dedicated to solving the riddle of why ugly folk can still get a poke. In the meantime, all I can suggest is that the decision to sleep with repulsive men can be made only by you, and you only ever need answer to yourself. So do you as you please and act on your impulses if that's what makes you happy - we've all shagged a dog at some point in our lives. Maybe not on a monthly basis, mind you.

Dear Aidan,

I've been reading your column since its birth on this wonderful website, and your fistfuls of wisdom pearls have provided my humdrum life with much amusement. I feel it is only right to request your judgement on my current predicament.

My dilemma is a simple one. I have a girlfriend of three years, she's lovely, good upbringing, professional job, attractive etc.. About a month ago i started having "thoughts" about another young lady I know. It transpired that I was not alone and have since engaged on a ticking time bomb of alcoholic liaisons ending up in major infidelity and confusion all round.

Let's put it this way, to anyone who knows me the new girl is the epitome of my type - Siouxie Sioux meets Debbie Harry with the fashion and attitude to match.

To make things worse, everybody knows everybody, oh and my current girlfriend is how shall say "A crazy jealous who will probably kill me if I finish with her and/or get caught".

Should I fess up, break a heart, lose my friends and moral integrity on a nothing more certain then a game of Black Jack? Or, buy a canoe and launch from Dover into the path of booze addled catamaran?

Yours desperately,

Adam P.

Adam, first of all, please don't worry about any of this. I know it's difficult, but bear in mind that there's loads of old haggard, scraggly rock chicks out there who fit your type perfectly. Plenty of more trout in the pond, as they say. As for the current dilemma, I think you probably wouldn't have entertained said “major infidelity” had you been as happy as you seem to think you are with your girlfriend. In fact, from the nature of your letter, it sounds as though you fear her more than love her, which can't be a healthy reason to stay with someone. Whatever happens, you're fucked. Even if you manage to keep it a secret now, everyone will find out sooner or later and everyone at some point will think you're a cunt. That is the unfortunate truth of The Tangled Web We Weave, the basic laws of existence: every action must have a reaction, every choice has a consequence. I'm afraid there's no solution to offer to this - the ugly, bare fact of the matter is that you'll have to decide who deserves to be hurt the most and who deserves to be hurt the least. How romantic!

Dear Aidan,

I want to indulge in some dirty talk during foreplay, but I don't like to use words that are too grotesque or possibly offensive, especially in reference to the female anatomy. How do I know whether a young lady is going to be offended if I refer to her cunt?

thanks,

P. Barnes.

The simple answer to this is: ask her. Of course, not many people are comfortable with those sort of questions during the early stages of courtship, so I understand that the simplest solution is not necessarily the easiest one to execute. So, like so many matters in this area, I suggest you begin gently and work your way up from there. Shag, boobs and willy are all quite fun and acceptable and a nice way to start, then you can move on to fuck, cock, come etc. Once you feel confident that your partner is comfortable with dirty talk, you can then venture into fist, piss, skat, rim, shithole, spank, slut and Mummy.

To find out what Aidan Moffat gets up to when he isn't dealing with your emotional and sexual inadequacies, visit his website. To have Aidan sort you out, email your problems to aidan@thequietus.com