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Dumbfuckingstan vs. British Art School Rock - It's No Contest Says Swells
Steven Wells , August 4th, 2008 13:45

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American rockers adapt to the soul-destroying nightmare of bashing out the same turgid muzak to wildly appreciative audiences of incredibly badly dressed white retards by becoming the nightmare. They survive by ritually and joylessly humiliating every woman they meet. Most US band tour buses keep a "slut book" in which photos of abused and degraded females are lovingly placed in a album that the drugfucked scum haul out for violent on-bus circle jerks. It's no life for a sensitive English poet.

Let's make this clear— Middle America's incredibly badly dressed white retards are no worse dressed, whiter or retarder than their equally inbred suburban English cousins, but they are legion. There are millions of them—vast hordes of lighter waving, tit-exposing, drooling, overweight and corn syrup addled human dung beetles eating up the shit thrown at them by the rock music industry with a gusto that borders on the disgusting, marches across that border, colonises disgusting and claims it as a colony of the United States of Dumbfuckistan. Imagine if Slough was a country. Now imagine if it was an entire continent. Now imagine you lived there 4 months of the year. Would you become a heroin addict? Yes you fucking would.

European bands go mad. The good ones, anyway. Really groovy British groups are destroyed by the vast gaping cultural chasm that is Middle America, while lowest-common-denominator wank peddling shit monkeys like U2 thrive. You want to know why the Cure and Siouxie and the Banshees never broke the US? Because it was like asking brittle boned show ponies to trot across a desert carrying stupendously fat cunts on their oh-so-snappable backs. Dumbfuckistan is one huge suburb. A Batley. A Penge. A Scunthorpe with square dancing. Neasden with cowboy hats, Slough with mutant banjo players.

In the UK the highly-strung art school prima donna is never more than a few hours drive from civilization. In the US the groovy college towns are few and far between and in those vast, cavernous spaces the scream of a bored shitless failed frock designer peddling esoteric neo-romantic synth noodlings to audiences of flannel shirted wrestling fans who just wanna fuckin' rock can echo for ever for ever. "Dude, like why is that limey dude like crying?" "Who gives a fuck dude? Let's fuckin' rock!" Touring flyover country is like starring in a never-ending I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here with cunts you've never heard off in places that Sir John Fucking Betjeman would nuke to radioactive slag in an instant if he knew if their existence and wasn't, like, dead.

In his book 'Save Me From Myself', Brian "Head" Welch, guitarist for lowest-common denominator shit-metallers Korn, talks about watching a roadie pissing on "some girl". And it's ho-hum. Being in an American touring band is like being an anal-rape stunt double in the animal porn industry; soon it takes being forcibly fucked in every orifice by a multi-phallused space god to turn you on. And that's what happened to Brian 'Head" Welch. He gave up the crystal meth for Jesus. He made a living preaching dumbed-down existentialism to the children of people who say grace before they eat pizza at the mall and guess what? God got him. The baby Jesus injected him with spiritual crystal meth in both fucking eyeballs and his brain exploded. This is not a good way to go.

What he doesn't know is that Jesus will not save him. I just spent 10 days on the road with a Christian band who—after day 9—confessed that in the recent past they have engaged in on-road warfare with other Christian bands involving:

• Biblically plaguing a tour bus with locusts, mice and fish bought from a pet store.

• The flinging of menstrual piss.

• Shitting in a pizza box

• Hiding a punctured can of tuna on a tour bus and (my favourite)

• Nearly causing a multi-car fireball/pile-up by flinging a lighter-fuel drenched and flaming dead squirrel from the door of one speeding Christian tour bus onto the hood of another.

This is what Dumbfuckistan does to nice Christians. Now imagine what it does to like rilly cool Briddish types. The drugs aren't an indulgence; they're a fucking necessity. Sid killed Nancy and then himself because the existential dread that is life on a tour bus stuck in a truck stop exactly equidistant between a Kum and Go and an Arbys in deepest, dullest, dimmest Kansas was whispering in his ear "Ahm gonna get you, boy." All your anglo-insouciance, all your groovy Brit flibbertygibbetty art school cool will wither and die in the chemical toilet scented wind that blows from Texarkana.

I have in front of me a bag of crisps that reads "Southern Home Potato Chips with Coach's Low Country Boil Seasoning". Do you know how long that is amusing for? About 8 seconds. And then it becomes terrifying. You are among inbred assholes who think that Coldplay don't suck, that Obama is an Al Qaeda sleeper, that the troops are protecting our freedom and that Kum and Go is a fucking great name for a chain aimed at families.

You will never wake up with the tour bus in a circle of flame of and chanting Satanists. It never gets that exciting.

Middle America is death incarnate for British rock bands. Take a look at what America did to the Bromley contingent—the gang at the heart of British punk. Siouxie and the Banshees took one sniff and ran screaming back to Croydon. Sid did himself in. And Billy Idol—the pretty boy dimbo blessed with the spiritual depth, artistic ability and intellectual capacity of a banana—survived and flourished in the spiritually neutron-bombed wastelands like a leather trousered peroxide cockroach.

What does not destroy us makes us dumber. Only the Billyidolist survive.

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John Greenfield
Aug 4, 2008 3:48pm

A few hours ago I emailed a friend in Florida - someone with impeccable music taste - the link to the Quietus. Now I find myself having to apologise for the picture on the front page depicting the entirety of America as retarded apart from the west coast. The vast generalisations and relentless regurgitating of "Amwerican hick" cliches in this article is certainly zenophobic and borders on racism - a few weeks after the same writer poured scorn on anyone who would defend John Lydon (not that I know or care much what Lydon did). Yeah, much of provincial and middle America is dull, and many of the people are simple-minded, but that is just the case in this country and in many others. A lot of very cheap shots in this article.

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Aug 4, 2008 4:15pm

OK, so perhaps it was a little off to add accusations of "racism", when there's a larger battle to be fought from within our respective countries that centres on skin colour, not nationality. But I'm really tired of the casual and savage lampooning of Americans that is generally accepted in our culture and this fucking wound me up! You may reply that Swells' style is exageration and "meaningful" generalisation but at that point I refuse to take it seriously and will reply back that it's definitely not my thing, unless used in a comic context, which I don't think this is.

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Billy-jo Jimbob
Aug 4, 2008 6:26pm

What the hell does this author know about the "sensitive English poet"? He sounds more like one of the "drooling, overweight, corn syrup addled human dung beetles" he's attempting to describe. The author doesn't make a single valid point in this badly-written and confusing article which insults the very readers of The Quietus (click to the right for the new Coldplay single!) But while he does state plenty of inaccurate information, there are only two points which I feel are important enough to comment on:

- The Cure did break in America - they've had several major hits here and are beloved among fans of good music.

- According to polls, between 8% and 15% of voters believe that Obama might be a Muslim. Despite ruthless smear campaigns, that still makes 85% who don't - hardly a majority.

I'm not sure why The Quietus wants to be represented by ignorance and hate-mongering. But is it worth it to get worked up over an undereducated potty-mouth who is frightened by a bag of potato chips? Maybe he needs a vacation. I hear Texarcana is nice. Maybe Otis Williams will kick him in the balls. And if Kum and Go isn't his thing, try the In-n-Out Burger.

Billy-jo Jimbob,
(God Bless the) U.S.A

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Mike Parnell
Aug 4, 2008 7:38pm

Top rant but I would like to point out that The Cure did make it in America...several top 5 albums infact...

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James Innis
Aug 4, 2008 8:58pm

What exactly was the point of this article? Was it just because the author couldn't find anything interesting to write about? At this point of time American bands are ahead on the lyrics front anyway. Vampire Weekend, The Hold Steady, Telepathe, TV On The Radio etc. Whilst in Britain bands are mind numbingly dull jangly rock bands, like The Courteeners. The only bands in Britain worth their salt in terms of lyrics are Portishead, Glasvegas and Radiohead. Pete Doherty has lost it, and the others who think they mean something, like Richard Ashcroft, just steal from poets and make it into something truly bland and pointless. e.g Will those feet in modern times/Walk on soles made in China? The days of the tortured British poet in music are a long way off at this point.

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Aug 4, 2008 9:33pm

I didn't want to comment on this initially as i guess it will encourage more work from swells as he would appear to be causing controversy. or something. I don't care about his opinions either way but this is so badly fucking written its untrue. It's pointless. It's a rant about what exactly. It mentions the Cure and the Banshees who i'm sure have been around for a short while. Nearly every piece by swells for Quietus has been of similar quality. The world changed a LONG time ago and he didn't. However, he now writes something here nearly every other fucking day. swells reads like an aggressive threatening bully with every piece, the equal of everything he mundanely chest-beats about. This is not controversial, its just really tedious and very dull to read.

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wells, steven
Aug 4, 2008 10:34pm

Mr Parasite,
I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. . Please forgive me. You're right. Everything I do is "so badly fucking written its untrue." But not to worry, because you're here to show us how it's done.
700 controversial, not tedious and not very dull to read words on the pop music related topic of your choice in this space by this time tomorrow please.
I drool with anticipation.

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clarke carlisle
Aug 5, 2008 1:02pm

US no longer produces any good music but is still ahead of the UK. Best music comes out of Romania, Chile and Greece these days

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another stevenwells
Aug 5, 2008 10:09pm

Hey Parasite! It's nearly time to add those final flourishes. I for one am literally pissing myself with excitement! Here it comes people, here it comes! The greatest piece of rock'n'roll writing ever! The 700 words that'll make all other scribblings on this subject utterly redundant! I give you the one and only, the witty, the interesting, the controversial, the reasonably well punctuated, the mighty PARASITE!!!!!

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Andrew Barnes
Aug 5, 2008 11:02pm

In reply to another stevenwells:

The embarrassing thing is: any other music writer, I'd assume this ^^^ was some joker impersonator, presenting an ultra-defensive parody of how he/she thinks that the author of this xenophobic, tunnel-vision drivel would defend their lonely, confused wankings on the comments page of an irrelevant, nothing website.

As it is: how's it going, Stevey-boy?

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another swells
Aug 5, 2008 11:18pm

In reply to Andrew Barnes:

Was that it?

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Dan P
Aug 14, 2008 9:36am

Because of Bush's disgusting 'War on Terror', I have an irrational hatred of Americans and so swell's rantings had me laughing and clapping around the room with joy. ha ha! kill them! kill them! ha ha. Another US soldier dead in Iraq! Great news, but there's a long way to go to equal the score!

But seriously, now Bush is on his way out maybe us Brits need to wake up and realise that drifting into de-humanising racism and wishing death on people isn't healthy, even if they are Americans.

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christian christian
Aug 25, 2008 11:47am

First off let me say that i really like your site a lot
now.. back on topic haha
I cant say that im 100% with what you wrote... care to explain deeper?

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Sep 7, 2008 7:22pm

I am in the STL right now, and yes, it is a place where some sort of bloodbath or stranglehold in necessary to get the dicks up of its economic and political class.

Perhaps any of you who know of marketing strategies that I can bring to those who resist such hegemony, because I have money I would like to put to work, instead of waste away in this area of the globe.

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