Uncle Agony Aidan Moffat's First Sex Advice Column For The Quietus
, July 31st, 2008 15:33
I've been with my girlfriend for five years, but recently things haven't been so good. When we first met we'd have loads of sex, really good sex, all day, bit of slap and tickle and naughty extras. But recently it's just not been the same, and we seem to only manage it once or twice a month, in the same position, and it's just not exciting anymore. I've talked to a lot of people and they do say that when you've been with someone for that long the sex always dies down. The trouble is, when they give advice like "spice it up with sex toys" or "tie each other up" or "try a bit of role-play" we're a bit stuck because we were getting into the bend-over boyfriend / spot of S&M / threesome / no children or animals business within a couple of months of going out. Do we need to decide that it's over, or is there anything we can do to reignite the waning flame of passion?
sounds to me like it’s over, mate. Sorry. While it’s perfectly natural that a couple’s sex life becomes less active after a while, it appears that neither of you really fancy each other anymore. And it seems the whole relationship was initially very sexual, in fact I suspect that it was possibly too sexual to the detriment of emotional connection. Great sex is incredibly fun but it won’t build the necessary psychological foundations that a solid, loving bond requires.
Fucking hell, that sounded quite professional. Watch your back, Rayner!
Seriously though, if it’s that important to you, you have to confront her. There may be myriad reasons for the current state of your sex-life, and I imagine that none of them will be easy to hear. Last time it happened to me, she was shagging someone else, which is guaranteed to fuck up your week. And I knew a girl who went off her boyfriend and said that every time they shagged it felt like she was being stabbed. Ouch. Point is, most of the time when you think that your partner has gone off sex, the uncomfortable truth of the matter is that he/she has actually gone off sex with you.
And maybe the next time you get a girlfriend, you should calm the fuck down. Take things slow and maybe ease off on the threesomes and bum-play for a while. We live in a very over-sexed, smut-drenched world where everybody thinks they should act like a porn star in the bedroom and forgets that sex is an individual experience that you should make your own. Recent research found women were complaining that their new partners ejaculated over their faces without even having the decency to ask first, and this is because guys see this in porn films – which are more widely available than ever – and think it’s the norm. It’s not. People start experimenting with sex far too early these days. When I was young, a conventional, vanilla, missionary position ride was all I could hope for, and by hope I mean cry into my cider and blackcurrant and wonder why no-one would let me touch them. I think it was because I was fat, mind you, but let’s not drag up the past. All these teenagers wearing lingerie and experimenting with homosexuality and using vibrating rabbit ears and sticking foreign objects up their arses and dressing up – it’s not right. You have to master the basics then move onto the adventurous stuff; run before you can walk; wank before you can fuck; fuck before you can… whatever, pervert.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a couple of relationships that were purely sexual, and they were, quite literally, fucking great. Some right fucking dirty business - utter depravity. But you know what? I’ve almost forgotten all of it.
Sex is very important in relationships, of course it is, but all that advice that “sexperts” on the telly and your friends toss out is nonsense if you ask me - wonderful sex can be an exciting distraction, something to take your mind off the reality of the matter, but once you get fed up with being buggered with vegetables while dressed in your partners lovely, smooth hold-ups as the neighbour tosses off and films it from across the street, you’ll find you’re back to where you were: bored with each other. Where does it all end? How far will you have to go? Problems like these are often just physical manifestations of an emotional state, and sex might not be the answer.
So I don’t know what you should do. I notice that you didn’t mention love in your letter – if she meant that much to you emotionally, I think you might’ve said so. If you’ve been together for five years and you’ve only recently started to notice a decline, you’ve had a fucking good run. So pat yourself on the back and file it in the experience folder and move on because there is nothing so miserable as being trapped in a sexless relationship. It really fucking hurts, and eventually one of you will get your jollies from someone else (if you haven’t already) and then it’s really Game Over – total emotional Armageddon. Which is best avoided.
Missus shagging the BT repairman? Not quite sure what to put on a mixtape to your beloved? Hoover up your arse? To have Uncle Agony Aidan deal with your sexual crises and love disasters, just email him at email@example.com. For more Aidan Moffat sauce, visit his website.